Hark, First Frosts!

Winterly greetings, mortals! Friday at 8PT we shift to Yuletide mode with FIRST FROSTS! How go Yule & Winter in the Shattered Empire? Find out with us, & our dear friend REED (of StoryQuest), returnèd after so long away! Snuggle up under thy favorite quilt, prepare a kettle of hot-style chocolate, & join us for a cozy time Friday at 8PT!

BELOW—find this month’s Forecast! Divined in part while sitting outside Santa’s chambers, for I am on my Yuletide Adventure, & Santa is DEPRESSED. But! I managed to coax him into an interview! Find it in this month’s interlude podcast, which also contains an audio version of December’s forecast!

The December Forecast
Divined at North Pole’s midnight, for Mortal Benefit
To listen to the audio edition, which includes an interview with SAINT NICHOLAS, head here!

• This frosty DECEMBER gleams with an aura of ICY RELIEF.

• Expect SEASONABLY COLD weather in the Northern Hemisphere, a welcome “THROW-BACK” to a PRE-MAN CLIMATE.

• Those who particularly enjoy cold combined with DARKNESS, shall especially enjoy the sea-black night of December 17th, when all the stars wink out, one-by-one, before dread FENRIS-ÚLFR consumes the MOON. O, fear not! For ‘twill be but a PRANK.

• Several thousand tons of CANDY CANES shall fall into the SAN FRANCISCO BAY, causing a devastatingly minty ECOLOGICAL DISASTER. The beaches shall run red, & white, for WEEKS.

• A certain WORTHLESS POP-STAR shall wed a WEALTHY CONSERVATIVE MONSTER in a TASTELESS CEREMONY. They shall receive more press coverage than SEEMS REASONABLE.

• JOY strikes on GAUDETE SUNDAY, when a local ICE GESTAPOMAN falls directly on his BUTT while failing to ARREST A CHILD. All will point & LAUGH, & sing Gaudete as they FLOG him out of town.

• This year’s hottest CHRISTMAS gift: BASIC SHELTER.

• This year’s hottest LUIGIMAS gift: “NOT GUILTY.”

• Several nations shall find themselves gripped in MADNESS, as CHRISTIAN EXTREMISTS gather in HOLY HORDES. Derided as LUNATICS, they shall behave in the expected manner of Christian extremists: they sweep across the lands, ATTACKING MONEY-LENDERS with hand-made WHIPS; caring for the POOR; loving their NEIGHBORS; & smearing themselves in luxurious FRANKINCENSE. Ironically, they shall also be EXECUTED BY THE STATE.

• FAIR PORTENTS: While sitting outside Santa’s chambers, I observed the flights of egrets & snowy owls. My findings indicate this December shall be an auspicious month for—GRAND FEASTING; GENEROUS GIVING; conducting MINTY RITUALS; & obliterating thy foes with SARCASTIC CHARITY.

• ILL OMENS: There too, I meditated upon the dark lees of Elfin coca, & the grim results indicate that in December only fools plan—TAN BREASTING; COLONIAL TAKING; conducting CRYPTO MINTING ; or obliterating karaoke with SWEET CHARITY.

• When making a list, check it twice, cut once.

• Lucky numbers: 0-2-2-7, the dialing prefix for BETHLEHEM (PALESTINE).

A pleasantly chilly month ahead, mortals—but I simply see what I see. I hope together, we may make the best of it! & I hope as well, this information makes itself useful swiftly.

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I shall write ye Saturday with a fresh dispatch—after we rejoice in the FIRST FROSTS! ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & bundle up...

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Advent Appreciator