A Night of Gobelynic Delights

Evening, mortals! The cold & dark deepen still, with each passing day, & I hope that brings ye as much joy as it does us—or at least, as much joy as we had with Slurs the Toilet last night! If ye missed his description of goblin holiday traditions—our thorough exploration of frolf equipment—a grand commercial for Kohl’s—or Slurs’ heartfelt plea for incognito kindness—then head to the replay, right here!

Meanwhile, on my quest to restore Santa’s faith in mortal-kind, I find myself with too many options, & too little time. Only 11 days until he must make his annual pilgrimage to the world’s children, & he still sits, despairing, pondering the Kringle-stone! My plan: retrieve Clauses from around the Santaverse, ones whose worlds are grimmer, yet they carry on.

I constructed a small igluvijaq, & projected myself astrally to browse the grand Christmas Catalog of Worlds. A gallery of each & ev’ry Earth where there is—or e’er was—a Christmas. I skip past the many worlds where mortal-kind faced extinction, & search for suitable candidate Clauses. A few catch my eye:

• An Earth where the druids survived Cæsar’s depredations; Rome in the West collapsed two centuries sooner, & the Celts retook much of the continent. “England” ne’er came to be, for the Angles ne’er set foot on the isles. Christianity ne’er acquired the sanction of Emperors, & ne’er was co-opted for military use. A kinder, gentler Earth—not without its problems, but at least, with less bloodshed. Their Santa has it too easy. Not a suitable candidate.

• An Earth where 9/11 happened on 9/12, & also, Zoroastrianism is the dominant religion. Santa still continues his good works, though most attribute the gifts to the beneficence of kind Mitra. Not a particularly good nor bad Earth. Not a suitable candidate.

• An Earth where fossil fuels came into widespread exploitation 30 years earlier, resulting in an accelerated rate of climate devastation. Mortals there often find themselves surprised to suddenly own “beachfront property,” hurricanes regularly devastate Maryland, & their American President is a YouTuber. Very similar to our Earth, yet their Santa soldiers on…suitable candidate.

• An Earth that is Planet of the Apes. Fascinating, but, I know better than to attempt to visit that Earth. Not a suitable candidate.

• An Earth where Santa is a lady, & mortals are misogynist toward her, yet she soldiers on…suitable candidate.

• An Earth where Jeffrey Epstein is not only alive, but has cloned himself three times. Santa is present, & working, but I am, frankly, afraid of what goes on, on an Earth with three Jeffrey Epsteins. Not a suitable candidate.

• An Earth where the Cold War turned Fission-Hot; billions evaporated in the One-Day War, most species extincted, most civilizations reduced to ashes. Grim…but the war ended 70 years ago. The “Nuclear Winter” & reduction in human activity, granted the biosphere time & space to recover & stabilize. Children born after the O.D.W., now have grand-children, & memory of the Old World is dying away. Overall, people seem pretty happy, & Santa mostly gives children sweet treats. Not a suitable candidate.

• An Earth where trillionaires reign over an increasingly poor & desperate populace, who spend most of their lives trying to avoid becoming prison-slaves. Very similar to our Earth, yet their Santa soldiers on…suitable candidate.

• An Earth where lizards developed sapience before mammals…interesting. Their Santa delivers small, scared rodents, & his suit is red from the blood of his prey. Not a suitable candidate.

• An Earth where the Nazis “lost” WWII, but were integrated into the post-War German governments, granted pardons for scientific service, & generally lived relatively good lives despite their crimes. Also, on this Earth, due to a slight change in atmospheric composition, the sky is red. Very similar to our Earth, yet their Santa soldiers on…suitable candidate.

Thank ye for reading, mortals! & we thank humbly all those who support our works here with coin! Just this week, we had to acquire a new broadcasting stele, to beam our shows into thy minds, & ‘twas a great relief to know we had the coin on hand to make the acquisition, thanks to our generous readers & viewers.

I shall write ye Monday with fresh art, & the next big phase of my Yuletide Adventure! ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & try to spread some kindness this weekend, in Slurs’ name.

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Gobelynwynn