Arrakis Fools'!

PLUS—the April Forecast!

Author

Amoenus Franco
April 02, 2025

Merrie tidings, mortals, of ARRAKIS FOOLS’! Broadcasting still from our impregnable fortress CHAPTERHOUSE: OSTARA, our Springtime leisure continues. This Kwisatz Oligarch…must we truly fear them still? I feel a non-false sense of security in the Chapterhouse…where I shall craft a monologue from the GRIM-OIRE, & Cynthia Weatherwax shall deliver a FRESH REPORT! Join us Friday at 8PT to watch ARRAKIS FOOLS’!

BELOW—find this month’s Forecast! I stepped into my Calendarium at the Witching Hour, to peer ahead into the apprehensive April that lies in wait. No pranks await—only THE FUTURE!

I highly recommend constructing a calendarium

The April Forecast
Divined by Dim Moonlight, for Mortal Benefit

  • This APRIL menaces with an aura of ONYX ANXIETY. Pitch-black tension, polished to a hideous & nervous sheen. A theme seems to emerge for the year

  • Spiralling after his failures in WISCONSIN, the DISMAL TESLA NUMBERS, & overhearing the LAUGHTER OF A LOVING FAMILY, the blockheaded BARON MUSK shall retreat to a K-HOLE for an entire week. The difference shall NOT BE NOTICED.

  • Tragedy strikes come EASTER, as Cadbury Creme Eggs™ face stiff TARIFFS. Desperate parents replace the now-pricey treat with CHOCOLATE-ENROBED ROCKS, leading to an event fore’er known as THE CADBURY STONING.

  • The deceptively polite nation of CANADA, pushed to the brink, shall activate their SLEEPER AGENTS. Led by DAN AYKROYD, they seize control of MONTANA, which shall NOT BE NOTICED.

  • Easter Bunny, heed our call; Easter Bunny, save them all; when the Easter Bunny comes, who will be the ONE WHO RUNS?

  • PARIS HILTON shall make the ultimate sacrifice to reignite the Sun, after her new SOLAR YONI STATION sprays anti-matter into its plasma core, which shall ABSOLUTELY BE NOTICED. Glory upon her future-memory.

  • FAVOURABLE PORTENTS: Choose this April for DIVORCES, PET-SPAYING, & RECLAMATION OF RESOURCES FROM THOSE WHO WOULD HOARD THEM AS THE WORLD BURNS. All such activities shall succeed this month!

  • UNFAVOURABLE PORTENTS: Delay all NEW WARS, LONG JOURNEYS, & certainly avoid all THE ACCOUNTANT 2 STARRING BEN AFFLECK. Endeavours of this nature, in this month shall FOUNDER.

  • Lucky numbers: 25-000-000, the amount Baron Musk BURNED in WISCONSIN.

Another tough month ahead, in the Imperium Americum—but some rays of hope may shine, if we light them ourselves! I pray ye shall put these omens to safe use.

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I shall write ye Saturday with a fresh dispatch—for I assume, no danger could possibly befall us THIS FRIDAY on ARRAKIS FOOLS’! ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & rest slightly easier tonight knowing the Baron Musk shall spend this whole day sobbing & screaming.

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Cadbury Creme Dreamer

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