Who's Who of the Monetizable Sorenverse

Last night, SUMMERSBANE RETURNED! In the show, Summersbane & I discussed much lore, read from the dread Abyssclopedia, & improvised SEVERAL songs. We also revealed the existence of the MONETIZABLE SORENVERSE, & the dastardly Summersbane Variety Administration! If ye missed the show & wish to know the meaning of all these nouns, catch the replay IMMEDIATELY!

As a refresher, the Summersbane Variety Administration (legally distinct from, & in existence prior to, Marvel’s™ Disney’s™ Loki’s™ Time Variance Authority™) is an organization dedicated to annihilating any variety of Summersbane who is not immediately & immensely monetizable. They sought to use Summersbane Classic™ as a turncoat, capable of hunting down any of his own varieties—instead, he formed the SUMMERSGUILD, wielding the boundless power of SOLIDARITY! Below, find a snippet from “Who’s Who of the Monetized Sorenverse™?”™, containing entries on some of the delightful varieties in existence across the Omniverse!

Who’s Who of the Monetized Sorenverse™?™

Please enjoy these tantalizing snippets from the Tome of Summer’s Bane, an infinite grimoire of the lives of every Summersbane variety in the Omniverse:

• Soren Summersbane, Classic: Cohost of WizWorld LIVE, & the variety ye see every Friday on our show. Evil, but not a monster; cannibal, necromancer, best friend of Amoenus Franco. No complex IP entanglements.

• Hierophant Summersbane: From a dimension where Summersbane succeeded in defeating Amoenus & taking over WizWorld LIVE, transforming the program into more of a stunt show. Torments Joe Rogan’s skeleton frequently.

• Soren Jedisbane: Dread Lord of the Sith, usurper of Emperor Palpatine. Scourge of the Jedi Order, but in a much smarter way, with more elegant dialogue.

• Summersblonde: Glorious blonde tresses prevent interest in necromancy; this SB attains immortality through sheer beauty. Becomes savior to the Netherlands, innovates in the field of hydroforming, hair care. Joyful, non-evil.

• Summersbae: Evil necromancer, but also, fantastic listener who just wants ye to feel heard & loved. Sadly, hails from a dimension where the Axis powers achieved total victory in WWII. Lives in the small portion of Italy that remains non-Fascist, “L’Aquila Libera.”

• Spidersbane: Variety who is a spider, but gains the title “Spidersbane” due to spider-cannibalism.

• Kramersbane: Stand-up comedian variety, who had an unfortunate night at the Laugh Factory. Was specifically not resurrected at the conclusion of Classic Summersbane’s adventure in the Monetizable Sorenverse. Not racist, but still thoroughly unlikeable.

• WWFSBane: Essentially the Undertaker. Axis also won in this dimension.

• Kohl’sbane: A variety who simply makes such deft use of coupons, credit card rewards programs, & Kohl’s Cash™, that he puts the entire enterprise out of business.

• SBorro: This one is Zorro, avenger of Alta California, but via immortality, also goes on to found the Sbarro™ chain of bad pizza.

I hope ye enjoyed this sampling of lore, & I hope ye enjoyed the show last night! Thank ye to all who joined us live, to all who summoned Beetlejuice™ many times in our chat—et, of course, to all who can & do spare $5 monthly to support our coven’s works!

I shall write ye again come Monday with the FINAL CHAPTER of Summersbane’s adventure, Ghost of Venice! In the meantime, be safe, be well, & if the Summersbane Variety Administration appears before ye, simply repeat the phrase “PARODY PARODY PARODY.”

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Very Nice on a Date Actually