I Want My BCZ

Last night, an incredible crowd joined us to celebrate our dear frenemy BEL-CASH-ZZAR! The wisest & most charismatic finance demon, a bottomless pit of malicious advice, the Earl of Evilconomics—we hope ye enjoyed the party! After the show, we shared some treats, discussed BCZ’s work engineering the coming collapse (sorry!), & tallied up his appearances—Bel-Cash-Zzar has been on 10% of all our shows, if ye add it up. INCREDIBLE! We look forward to many more æons of profitable misery with him.

Then, as a special service to our mortal readers, I convinced him to provide his SEVEN SAGEST INSIGHTS! We paid his exorbitant Wisdom Fee, so ye may enjoy them GRATIS! Find them below:

The following pieces of “advice” from directly from Hell, via Bel-Cash-Zzar the finance demon. The opinions of Bel-Cash-Zzar do not necessarily represent those of this Scriptorium. Consult a certified mortal financial advisor before considering any of these evil items. Reading any portion, including this warning, constitutes eternal & irrevocable acceptance of Bel-Cash-Zzar’s Terms & Conditions.

BEL-CASH-ZZAR’S SEVEN SAGEST INSIGHTS
written by Bel-Cash-Zzar
Finance Demon of the Final Circle, Series 666 licensed Souls Trader

1. MAKE AN S-CORP. So many humans complain about taxes & regulations—’the country’s rigged!’ Of course it is, you mortal mope! So get in on it! What good is living in a hyper-capitalist Helltopia if you can’t grab a little brimstone for yourselves??

2. BUY A G-WAGON. They’re ugly, inefficient, & heavy—so heavy that they qualify for a tax trick! That’s right, if your corporation buys your G-Wagon for you, you can WRITE! IT! OFF! & when it gets broken into while parked outside your depreciating apartment, you can take the repair receipt & WRITE! IT! OFF! It’s the G-gift that keeps on G-giving!

3. Speaking of depreciating, GET INTO DEPRECIATING! When you buy things, you don’t just get things, you get an eternal discount! Every year, your junk is worth less & less, but the IRS will let you turn that frown upside-down with the magic of depreciation. It doesn’t work on NFTs, though, so you Bored Apes are outta luck—but you knew that already, you blockchain blockheads.

4. MARKET WITH DOGS. Sentimental types say dogs are man’s best friend, but I say, they’re man’s best marketing tool! If you put a dog in the ad, you can sell anything! All the evilest marketers know this—they put dogs in ads for lawyers, guns, they gave Hitler a dog—they even put dogs in ads for dog food! The dog can’t see it, he doesn’t care, the dog’s there for you rubes! So the next time you’re trying to pump up your unlicensed Naruto merch drop in time for swimsuit season, put a dog in it!

5. PUTS VS. CALLS. Learn the difference between puts & calls! & if your little retail trading platform won’t let you use them, that’s for your safety, you eTrading peasant! Stick to buying S&P ETFs, or just…

6. FOLLOW NANCY’S TRADES. The Siren of San Francisco’s got a portfolio to die for! Why do all the hard work of researching anything, when you can just copy off Mrs. Pelosi’s homework? She’s got more insider info than a retired proctologist, & she’s not afraid to use it!

7. Finally, CHILDREN MAKE GREAT WORKERS. Their little hands are nimble enough for any task, & they love to learn! Plus, if you use your own kiddos, then you’ve got as many free workers as you can stand to make! This sounds evil, but remember, in America, child labor is NOT IL-LEGAL! & it’s getting less illegal every day, thanks to the diabolic dipshits in your ruling class! It’s Bel-Cash-Zzar’s world, baby, you’re all just living in it! Remember, CASH IS KING, & I’M THE KING OF CASH! Finish writing this shit, Amoenus, I’m out!

What a delightful list of legal & reputational risks! I hope these come in handy, mortals, as it seems no Socialist revolution is coming within the next year or so. Thanks to the many who joined us live last night, to all who read these dispatches, & of course an especial thanks to those who can & do spare $5 monthly to support our works!

I shall write ye come Monday with some fresh art & a tale—until then, be safe, be well, & be on guard for the coming BLOOD WAR…

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Certified Financial Vizier (license expired in AD 1038)