The State of the Quest

Wednesdaily greetings, mortals! Friday at 8PT we return to our normal broadcasts, for faire season is ended, & we must assess THE STATE OF THE QUEST! So many months ago, we received a geas to cross the Shattered Empire—where stand we? Where next go we? & what mortal happenings did we miss these two weeks last?? Join us Friday at 8PT as we CATCH UP!

BELOW—find this month’s Forecast! Somewhat belated, I know; between Samhain celebrations & the ren faire preparations, I lacked adequate time to properly present my predictions. HOWE’ER! I still stepped into my Calendarium on time, back on Samhain night! As such, my forecast contains a few November predictions which have already come true, which, I think ye shall agree, is irrefutable PROOF OF MY POTENT PERSPICACITY. March onward, & be amazed by my prowess—in both text & audio form!

The November Forecast
Divined on Hallowe’en, for Mortal Benefit
To listen to the audio edition, head here!

• This chilly NOVEMBER snarls with an aura of ACCELERATED MADNESS.

• TRAGEDY mars this year’s CARBONATED BEVERAGE WITH CAFFEINE DAY, when an outbreak of GOOD TASTE drives sales of carbonated beverages with caffeine to ZERO.

• The DEMOCRATS shall reach new levels of COWARDICE & INCOMPETENCE, in a way that will SURPRISE NONE but UPSET ALL. [ALREADY CAME TRUE]

• ZOHRAN MAMDANI shall win the election for MAYOR OF NEW YORK, in a momentous triumph over THE CONCEPT OF MONEY. [ALREADY CAME TRUE]

• Residents of UPPER SOUTH DAKOTA ought to stay inside on NATIONAL APPLE CIDER DAY, lest they be CRUSHED TO DEATH during what shall soon be called “THE NATIONAL APPLE CIDER DAY METEORITE SWARM.”

• This BLACK FRIDAY, an enterprising RETAIL CHAIN shall shift their discount focus to BASIC NECESSITIES such as WATER, BUTTER, & UNSALTED BUTTER. This shall represent an large & flapping RED FLAG that AMERICA is COLLAPSING, but everyone in America shall TRY NOT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

• WICKED 2 shall disappoint AUDIENCES EVERYWHERE when they realize that NO SONG in the BACK HALF comes anywhere near “DEFYING GRAVITY.”

• An uncontrolled ROBOTIC CAR shall DISMEMBER a certain POLITICIAN, but not the one ye are all HOPING FOR.

• Data-center INVESTMENT FRAUD corporation COREWEAVE shall, on November 11th specfically, DECLINE PRECISELY 16.31% on the stock market, after an announcement that they are NOT going to make as much PRETEND MONEY as they ORIGINALLY GUESSED. [ALREADY CAME TRUE]

• FAIR PORTENTS: I spent Samhain night considering the flights of bats & ravens. My findings indicate this November shall be a perfect month for—HURRIED WEDDINGS; eating DELICIOUS RIBS; casting one’s FOES into MUDDY PITS; & conducting SKYCLAD SHOPPING RITUALS.

• ILL OMENS: Meanwhile, I meditated upon the reeking, orange entrails of a Jack-o’-the-Lantern, & the grim results indicate that in November none should—HURRY THEIR DIVORCE; eat DRY TURKEY; cast one’s FOES in FEATURE FILMS ; nor conduct YET ANOTHER GENOCIDE.

• Count by FIVE, ‘til HELP ARRIVES; when it does, ‘neath the FAT GUY shall TREASURE LIE.

• Lucky numbers: 1-800-288-8372, the numbers of the BUTTERBALL TURKEY HOTLINE.

A rough month ahead, mortals—but I simply see what I see. I hope together, we may make the best of it! & I hope as well, this information makes itself useful swiftly.

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I shall write ye Saturday with a fresh dispatch—& a summary of THE STATE OF THE QUEST! So JOIN US THERE FRIDAY! ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & best of luck with November’s remainder...

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Accurate Predictor