The Riverstone Files

PLUS—the February forecast!

Author

Amoenus Franco
February 04, 2026

Icy greetings, mortals! Friday at 8PT we shall hold a court magickal & uncover the dark secrets of THE RIVERSTONE FILES! Baron Greenstone (LUX), vassal & associate of the wretched Jauffredus Riverstone, joins us to attempt to explain his ubiquitous presence in the 2.7 million suspicious scrolls! Don thy detective hats, prepare tough questions, & be there for THE RIVERSTONE FILES this Friday at 8PT!

BELOW—find this month’s Forecast! Divined whilst perched atop a placid frostbank, I noticed many visions of this month include FOOTBALL. Read on below, or head here for the audio version!

The February Forecast
Divined at a most weary midnight, for Mortal Benefit
To listen to the audio edition, head here!

  • This creeping FEBRUARY menaces with an aura of OBSIDIAN GLOOM.

  • Expect UNUSUAL DRYNESS & BITTER WARMTH—ye shall regret making a liar of MISTER GROUNDHOG.

  • The SEASON FOR NONVIOLENCE runs from JANUARY 30th, to APRIL 4th—outlook for February, NOT SO GOOD. Better nonviolent luck in MARCH…?

  • A certain BILLIONAIRE CSAM MANUFACTURER named ELON MUSK shall suffer a devastating blow when THE FRENCH decide to force him to FACE CONSEQUENCES for the FIRST TIME. Prepare for MORE TWEETING & KETAMINE than usual.

  • A FOOTBALL PLAYER shall say something EVIL, which he shall be unable to blame on BRAIN DAMAGE.

  • This year’s hottest SUPER BOWL ad: GAMBLING.

  • This year’s hottest SUPER BOWL activity: GAMBLING.

  • This year’s hottest SUPER BOWL snack: Unaffordable, due to GAMBLING.

  • On VALENTINE’S DAY, a long-dormant SEX CULT shall rise from the ashes by staging a RITUAL ORGY on the WHITE HOUSE LAWN. They shall be attacked brutally by ICE, which shall BACKFIRE, when it turns out that the cultists LIKE THAT.

  • FAIR PORTENTS: While perched atop a frostbank, I observed cooing doves & smooching worms. My findings indicate this February shall be an auspicious month for—GRANTING CHOCOLATES; RECEIVING CHOCOLATES; PROFITING FROM CHOCOLATES; & JUST KISSING HER, THOU FOOL.

  • ILL OMENS: There too, I noted the flapping of solitary bats & hateful hornets. The grim results indicate that in February, all be doomed who engage in—SPURNING GIFTS; CHURNING BUTTER; BURNING BRIDGES; & especially SECOND DIVORCES.

  • FOLKSY WISDOM: When RFK Jr. seeth his shadow, the wise man considers boosting his MMR immunization.

  • LUCKY NUMBERS:

A cold-hearted month ahead, mortals—but I simply see what I see. I hope together, we may make the best of it! & I hope as well, this information makes itself useful swiftly.

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I shall write ye Saturday with a fresh dispatch—after we settle matters in THE RIVERSTONE FILES! ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & enjoy the chocolate...

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Valentine’s-Neutral

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