The Belle Cashzarit

The Sun rises on this Wednesday, higher than the markets! & on Friday, tune in for the wisdom of THE BELLE CASHZARIT! Vero, our finance demon pal Bel-Cash-Zzar returns for a full rundown on what goeth down—& ‘tis EPISODE 249! The penultimate show before our big FIFTH ANNIVERSARY! Matters may come to a crisis point with the Kwisatz Oligarch—DO NOT MISS OUT! See ye there, Friday at 8PT!

Before then, I convinced Bel-Cash-Zzar to part with some PRIZED FINANCIAL DEMONRY! Below, find the first edition of “Bel-Cash-Zzar’s Ca$h-Saver,” with some TARIFF-PROOF WISDOM:

Bel-Cash-Zzar’s Ca$h-Saver:
Tariff-Proof Industries & Investments
Dictated via InstaGoblin, by Bel-Cash-Zzar

Please note that Bel-Cash-Zzar is a finance demon & Prince of Hell; he is not a financial advisor, & his wisdom ought be avoided by all, lest they become avaricious sinners with huge estates.

Threatened by unprecedented tariffs, & a devastating trade war that has already crumbled the existing financial order? Don’t panic! Just try THESE, my simple simians:

• COWBOY. Quintessentially American, self-reliant, with no imported parts. Sure, you’ve got to ride cattle across an increasingly hostile wasteland—Montana—but just think of all the fresh air, & fresh cash!

• REPO MAN. Usually this is a bum gig where you steal stuff from the poor, but right now, some of the richest men alive are losing their shirts! They’re up to their ears in loans, & with no way to pay them back, someone’s gotta repo their Maybachs! MAYBE YOU?

• REPERTORY MAN. As Hollywood collapses in the face of streaming greed & the impending ban on exporting Hollywood films to China, obviously live theatre’s due for a comeback! Why not join a local repertory company? Spend 12 glorious weeks a year rehearsing classics like Hamlet, CATS, & Shrek the Musical! The pay is low, but the groupies are forever!

• This may be my most valuable tip, my pretty little paupers, so read it closely: RACOONS. “Racoons?,” I hear your pea-brains mumble. YES, racoons! An entire industry unto themselves, a totally renewable resource, currently sitting UNTAPPED. Perfect for:

  • Racoon leather

  • Racoon meat

  • Racoon fur

  • Trained racoon thieves

  • Trained racoon warriors

  • Trained racoon priests

  • Rabies farming

  & nobody is taking advantage of ANY OF THESE! They grow literally in your backyard, & all you need to feed them is garbage! Come on, IT’S FREE MONEY!

• Finally, KISSING BOOTH MANAGER. I can’t explain this one. I just have a feeling—in my horns—that kissing booths are about to come back, in a big way.

Please note that the opinions of Bel-Cash-Zzar do not necessarily represent those of this Scriptorium. But he might be onto something with these kissing booths…

Thank ye for reading, mortals! & thank ye deeply to the generous mortals who can & do support our works here with upgrades in the Scriptorium!

I shall write ye Saturday morning after the show, assuming we suffer no permanent disruptions by the Kwisatz Oligarch. I hope ye shall join us Friday night for THE BELLE CASHZARIT! ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & remember, spite costs nothing to import!

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Repertory Mage