Surefire Super Bowl Predictions

LO!, on the horizon—’tis another SUPER BOWL! I have mixed feelings on this modern holiday. I find football miserable, devoid of the joy of sport, & replete with nightmarish military-industrial fervor—but I know how mortals LOVE IT. I am nothing if not eager to serve my dear mortal fans! TO THAT END, I spent the night in necromancy, speaking with dead footballers past. Those whose brains were not too ruined in life, helped me peer into parallel realms, & acquire WISDOM BEYOND MORTAL KEN. Please, my friends, use this unholy knowledge to gain many ducats from suckers on this Super Bowl Sunday! Scroll to the bottom for a printable bingo card, & here are the full bets:

Sure Shots

• American Football game begins

• Serious brain injury

• Unserious commentary

• Commercials for things ye have already heard of

• Commercial for military

• Trophy awarded to wealthy man who has already won in life

• Ye feast, & rejoice in that feasting, for life is fleeting & days of rest are precious. Yea, though the world may melt down, at least this feast were had in good company. Huzzah! HUZZAH!

• American Football game concludes

Coin Flips

• Coin flips heads

• Coin flips tails

• Referee moons crowd

• Crowd moons each other

• Gunfire (non-fatal)

• Football (fatal)

• Commercial for military, aimed at children

• Commercial for football, aimed at women

• Commentator says something about racism of Kansas City team & fans

Long Odds

• Australian Rules Football game begins

• No brain injuries

• Coin flips on side, freezing time forever, ‘til I assemble a crew of Chrononauts to restore the timestream

• Crowd eats referee

• Gunfire (laser)

• Commercial for something worth buying

• The film Ghostbusters is shown in its entirety, instead of game

• Commentator does something about racism of Kansas City team & fans

• Military leaves everyone alone for once

• Anyone wealthy in the stadium gets into Heaven

• Kansas City wins

I hope this guide comes of use—if ye have enjoyed it, please share with a friend, & consider a $5 upgrade to help fund our rituals! Read on for a brief recap of last night’s adventure…

I know ye clamor for mead, & biscuits, & pygge-in-blonket, so I shan’t reminisce long—but last night, SUMMERSBANE RETURNED! With the help of our live audience, we lifted his curse, HUZZAH! We learned of his adventures with the android Betty Crocker & their quest for Kissinger’s soul-stone; we clapped along with Paddy O’Lefty the Anti-Imperialist Leprechaun; & we had an all-around delightful time. Catch the replay here, if ye missed out!

I hope ye have a lovely weekend, & a happy Lunar New Year! I thank ye again for thy patronage, viewership, friendship, & support. Please share this with a friend if ye enjoy it—that is how our coven grows best! & grow we must, if we are to complete Fishman!: The Musical: The Short Film…in the meantime, stay safe out there, & I shall write ye again come Monday.

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Wagermancer