Summersbane Liberty Policy Institute

A wretched hive of scum, villainy—& SUMMERSBANE! This weekend our favorite necromancer visited the world’s largest malice-rally, CPAC—nay, not to join in! Though evil, & a cannibal, Summersbane is not BEREFT OF ETHICS. Only true blackguards, inveterate hatemongers, & the rich belong at CPAC. Summersbane infiltrated on a mission…OF SABOTAGE!

Non-fascist mortals may not know, but CPAC—the “Conservative Political Action Conference”—consists mainly of advertisement. Between every hate-filled speaker, actual commercials play in the auditorium! & many speakers openly promote their scams, supplements, & suffocating podcasts. The attendees slurp up the slop with glee, applauding e’en the most transparent frauds. Summersbane observed this weakness, & with his keen warlock’s eye, spotted OPPORTUNITY.

Simple enough to forge an “institute” from thin air; right-wingers tend to ask few questions & comprehend fewer answers. He paid their piteous appearance fee using Dimonjam’s Disappearing Disbursement, a handy spell that creates currency of the caster’s choosing, which then evaporates after 24 hours into harmless fluoroantimonic superacid. I loaned him a few InstaGoblins to compile a logo, slogan, & policy proposals, & in less than a day, the deception stood ready.

Armed with this “Summersbane Liberty Policy Institute,” our necromancer planned to siphon funding away from serious right-wing projects into his own coffers. Plus, as a bonus, if there were any remaining soul-fragments amongst the hateful throng, those too he might capture! But, could he truly fool an entire room of mortals devoutly pretending to be Christian?

Indeed, HE COULD. With no problems whatsoever. Despite the inverted pentagram, his open use of the term “evil,” & his ten-minute opening incantation in Gothic, the crowd accepted every aspect of the presentation after he told them the institute would “fight wokemigration.” What is “wokemigration?” No one asked. CPACkers avoid critical thought, at all costs, & will hoot for almost anything if ‘tis framed in a way they will accept. Summersbane promised them “a living death,” & “viscous soul-suffering,” inside a “hall of harrowing nothingness;” they slurped it all like an extra-sugar Pepsi™.

He also promised to “sap China of all its precious bones,” which I do fear he may attempt. But aside from that, he delivered no serious policy proposals—& still raked in over $10.4 million in investor cash & pledges! Many of the CPAC thugs clapped his shoulders & praised his acumen, ignorant of his true intentions. Notorious dunce Patrick Bet-David e’en asked Summersbane for some presentation tips; if ye watched Patrick’s speech, ye shall see, Summersbane advised him incorrectly, on purpose. Devious!

Overall, a successful weekend, for Summersbane, & a disastrous weekend, for America. A pity, that more mortals fail to ponder, “How might I sabotage conservative projects & pilfer their blood money?” Alas—but, should ye need to claim false credentials, or to enhance prestige for a hoodwink, &c., why not claim to represent the SLPI?

Truly I tell ye, this fake institute, ‘tis exactly as authoritative as any other “think tank” cabal! So welcome to the Institute, mortals! I foresee fruitful collaborations ahead.

My dear mortals, I recommend avoiding ingesting CPAC footage, if possible, unless contained in a safety capsule, as on Doom Room last night. Summersbane’s segment sadly appears in no recording, for CPAC are cowards.

Thank ye for reading! & thank ye to the generous mortals who can & do support our works with Upgrayddes here in the Scriptorium!

I shall write ye come Wednesday with news of this week’s episode! ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & long unlive the Summersbane Liberty Policy Institute!

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, SLPI Special Vizier for Invocation & Urban Policy