Spells for the Overwhelmed

Sigils, Charms, & Dweomers for when ye Simply Cannot

Author

Amoenus Franco
July 15, 2024

We never go out of print!

O, dear mortals—e’en to an immortal such as I, Amoenus Franco, the modern mortal world seems in particular tumult! & so, for thy benefit, enjoy this new, modern, ultra-brief edition of my classic work, SPELLS FOR THE OVERWHELMED. In print, eternally, since A.D. 1047, find below a collection of spells, enchantments, & sorceries, formulated for the use & benefit of those who CANNOT DEAL:

SPELLS FOR THE OVERWHELMED

Editio Modernus et Perbrevis
Being a collection of Sigils, Charms, Dweomers, &c.
Published A.D. 2024 / The Year of Dueling Senility

Preface

{n.b.: previous, fuller editions contain a 72-page preface, complete with diagrams & hidden prehistory hitherto unknown to mortalkind. For this ultra-breviary, enjoy a condensed Preface.}

Magick—Life—seem they too hard? Ah, but let Magick ease Life’s strains! Enjoy the following spells, compiled over my six millennia of life, & my travels all the way from Atlantis to Chicago to Hyperborea. Laid out, kindly, so that even the most stressed of mortals may take part! — Amoenus F.

Book I: Ritual Preparations

Most major magickal operations, whether conducted by man or mage, require a truly hideous amount of prep. From acquiring especial ritual garb, to thrice-daily ablutions, to construction of a sanctified Operatory, the exquisite expenditure of time & treasure lays a foundation upon which the working can build. But, I realize how horrible ye feel, & have crafted these spells to function no matter how little prep ye can do. Nae white-silk robes of golden thread? Nae problem. Have ye no operatory, but do have a quiet corner of the bus to retire to? That shall suffice! Too depressed to even shower, let alone ablute in a golden fountain? Sorry to hear that, but fret not! Whatever ye can, consider preparation complete!

Book II: Spells

Now that ye have prepared, or not prepared—I am proud of ye either way—let us leap right to THE GOOD STUFF. Spells anyone may cast, for a variety of purposes, well-suited to those feeling vanquished by LIFE.

To Not Deal With It For a While
Cast when ye shall deal with it later.

The first spell, & the simplest. When confronted with a task, or problem, which ye know ye should deal with, yet also could put off, conduct thus:
Look to the North, & breathe. Look to the East, & breathe. Look to the South, & breathe. Look to the West, & breathe. Speak the sacred words, “I shall get right on this, on the morrow.”
To Rebuff Any Attack
Cast when foes seek to have ye do anything or go anywhere.

Imagine: ye sit at home, comfortable (or at least, stressed in comfortable clothes) when, LO! A brigand seeks a favor, or to drag ye across creation to some sort of “party!”
With haste, incant: “Sorry man, I cannot, for I am lain low with leprosy.” Advanced casters will add, “I appreciate the invitation, & hope we may hang out soon,” though the spell will work in either case.
To Relax a Little
Cast this when ye need to, just, freakin’ relax a little.

Begin by breathing deeply in, then out. In, then out. Whisper a place ye would rather be, or the name of a favorite food. Focus on the place or food, repeating its name as a low chant. Breathe, chant, breathe, chant. Repeat until ye feel relaxed, or fall asleep. Cast not, while driving.
To Summon Dinner
Cast when ye require dinner, but lack the energy to make it.

Acquire an onyx tablet. Inscribe into the tablet, the secret number of thy favorite restaurant. Whisper unto the tablet what thou wouldst eat; within the hour, thy food shall appear, in exchange for an offensive amount of coin. Aye, an expensive spell—but, ye know, once or twice a year, worth casting!
To Expel Overmuch Stress
Cast when stress levels peak, afore they destroy.

Scream any words. Repeat as needed.
To Feel Accomplished
Cast when ye need a win, any win.

Take up a sheaf of paper, or napkin, or bare patch of arm. Inscribe upon it, “To-Do List.” Below, add “Cast a spell.” Say, “Thus ‘tis cast.” Done, cross it off! Huzzah!
Book III: Sigils

A proper sigil requires holding the designs in one’s mind, understanding every stroke, endowing every letter or rune or scrawl with hidden layers of meaning. But ye have so much on thy plate, far too much! So, I crafted these to work if ye write them quickly, or print them, or simply gaze upon them for a second.

The “HELP” Square
Inscribe this on a wall, floor, or brain where ye could use a hand.

H E L P
E G I L
L I G E
P L E H
The Rune of “NO THANKS”
Inscribe anytime. Useful when sent a News Headline.

X

These are the two main requests of the Overwhelmed, & thus these sigils should generally suffice. Should ye require another sigil, feel free to ask, & I shall help, an I have ÞE BANDWIDÞ.

Book IV: The Grand Working

Controversial in many circles, the Grand Working holds the key to true relief of the Overwhelmed.

First, gather unto ye a coven; whether many, or one trusted partner, shall suffice. Cast unto the ground a circle of salt, or of chalk, or simply say the word “circle” toward yon ground. Then, chant to one another thy problems. Chant, & chant, flowing thy stresses into the words, transforming burden carried into burden shared. In this ecstatic state, speak the first solutions which come to mind, transforming burdens shared into spells planned!

Conduct the ritual as often as ye can, with as many covens as ye can, growing & growing in power until ye can enact the spells planned, & transform the world around ye, & seize the true power of communal casting!

{n.b.: previous, fuller editions contain a 1,904-page version of Book IV, complete with additions & emendations by the wise & learnèd sages Kropotkin, Bakunin, & Goldman.}

Afterword

Afterword? In an ultra-breviary? I think not. Take a rest, ye seem to need it!

THUS ENDETH THE WORK.

I hope this work finds ye should ye need it, mortals, & I hope fewer things begin to happen, soon. In ages past, many things occurred every day, but almost none of them occurred in a way mortals would notice! Ye had no way of knowing every single harrowing decision made by every other mortal, & even famine seemed much more manageable in that environment. May ye again know such peace (but may it come without famine).

If ye have any spells or charms to share, for fellow Overwhelmed Mortals, be sure to share them in a comment on the “Web-Version” of this missive!

I shall write ye again on Wednesday with news of this week’s episode! I thank all who read this dispatch, to all who spread the word of our Scriptorium, & I thank all who can & do spare $5 monthly to support our works. Until Wednesday, stay safe, be well, & remember to CHANT.

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, I appreciate the invitation & hope we may hang out soon

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