Spells for Keeping it Together

Another Monday stirs in its crypt, mortals—how fare ye? Storms & misery cloud all horizons of late, it seems. Has keeping it together, become a titanic task? Employ one of these spells & rituals, provided as a public service, & I guarantee ye shall feel a bit more cogent, for at least a moment!

Lesser Keeping it Together Ritual of the Pentagram

First, prepare the ritual space with a full salt-&-chalk cleansing. Set up an altar of obsidian, agate, or lodestone, inlaid with appropriate bind-runes of gold. Wear robes of silk or flax, worth at least 10,000 ducats. Or…just find a corner & go with what ye have, ‘tis 2025 & who e’en HATH 10,000 ducats?

• Stride a circle, widdershins, round the ritual area, chanting, “I cannot deal with this, I cannot deal with this.”

• Step into the center, touching thy forehead, chanting, “Why is this my problem?”

• Turn to the North, bow, & whisper, “I swear I have the worst luck.”

• Turn to the East, bow, & whisper, “Maybe I can fix it?”

• Turn to the South, bow, & whisper, “Maybe I can ignore it?”

• Turn to the West, bow, & whisper, “I am too hungry for this right now.”

• Stride the circle again, widdershins again, chanting “I am just going to get through lunch.”

Repeat as needed, until ye can get through lunch.

Incantation for the News

For use after reading any news.

• Chant “DUDE, COME ON” o’er & o’er & o’er.

Repeat as needed, for each news.

Manifestation Rite to Prepare for Another Damned Day

This spell is best performed skyclad, as it requires being in the shower, & ‘twould be weird to stand with clothes on in the shower.

• Breathe deeply, visualizing thine entire day, particularly the part where ye shall return to bed at the end of it.

• Closing thine eyes, raise thy face to the showerhead, & sigh deeply as the warm water dribbles down thy cheek.

• Mutter thrice, “Just another day, just another damned day.”

• Stay in there just slightly too long.

• Get on with the damned day, secure in the knowledge that ye have manifested the day ending eventually.

A Most Potent Spell to Get & Keep it Together

This spell dates to the 9th Century AD, recovered from shards of a grimoire fashioned from marble tablets, hidden in a midden South-East of Medhelanon.

• Rise at Dawn, greeting her with a frown. She has interrupted the beautiful Night, & she must know thy displeasure.

• Scream at the Dawn thine innermost complaints, for her light reveals all the worst things, & she must know her misdeeds.

• Stand quietly, tapping thy foot, hands on hips, for ye just yelled at the Dawn for things that are not her fault.

• Mumble an apology to the Dawn, explaining that ye are just under a lot of stress right now, I mean, have ye seen the news? haha of course ye have, ye are the Dawn, I sound like a fool sorry Dawn

• Note down one of the complaints ye hurled at Dawn, & by her light, craft an action plan to solve the problem.

• Rejoice in knowing that, mayhap, tomorrow ye may have one fewer complaint to scream at poor Dawn, who is just doing her job.

Repeat as needed, ‘til all thy problems be solved.

I hope these magicks help ye through another wretched week upon this benighted plane, mortals. Or, at least, helped ye start the day with a smile. Thank ye for reading! & we thank most humbly that growing cohort of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I shall write ye Wednesday with news of this week’s episode! ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & be not too cross with poor Dawn…

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Sometimes Together