Siege of the Fort of Zyuly!

I SALUTE YE, mortals! Join us Friday as we lay siege to the FORT OF ZYULY! Once feared across the Shattered Empire, this crumbling redoubt now holds secrets, lessons…& treasure? Our guests NAKAMUS & HUNTER shall help us explore this zealous patriots’ stronghold—bring hot dogs & high hopes with ye FRIDAY at 8PT!

BELOW—find this month’s Forecast! I stepped into my Calendarium to peer ahead into the sweltering July that lies in wait. Ye feel the danger already, mortals—ye MUST face this July forewarned!

The July Forecast
Divined by sparkler-light, for Mortal Benefit

• This gritted JULY threatens us with an aura of MOLTEN FEAR. Globules of OPPORTUNITY float inside, for those daring enough to seize them…

• The WORLD’S LARGEST PIG-IN-A-BLANKET escapes, wreaking havoc across LOWER DAKOTA. Its sodium-soaked rampage lasts through INDEPENDENCE DAY (VANUATU).

• The wretched ANDREW CUOMO, disgrace upon all Italiani, shall commit a classic BLUNDER; while chasing ZOHRAN MAMDANI through the BRONX, the foul CUOMO shall run straight into a FALSE TUNNEL that Zohran painted upon a BRICK WALL. None shall weep.

• After a devastating series of MARGIN CALLS, mega-billionaire JEFF BEZOS shall suffer a precipitous 50% DECLINE in his fortune, leaving him with a mere…$117 BILLION? Can that be right, O Crystal Sphere? ‘Tis still so much—wow, aye, ‘tis correct. Sheesh

• While leading a 4TH OF JULY PARADE down a certain MAIN STREET, its crazed GRAND MARSHAL ALLGEMAIN shall order the parade to occupy the CITY HALL. After three weeks, he & his PARADE OF POWER achieve their main goal: SECESSION FROM TOWN. They begin to rove the country, bringing parades & liberty TO ALL.

• Be on the lookout for STRAY FIREWORKS, DUI CHECKPOINTS, & the dreaded RED MIST OF KALANDRA, which heralds a terrible NEW BEGINNING.

• FAIR OMENS: I dissected an UNCLE SAM’S LIVER, & the portents proclaim that July shall be an auspicious month for: COLD WARS, HOT DATES, & also for BONFIRES OF VANITIES.

• FOUL OMENS: I saw a flock of bald eagles fly WEST-SOUTHWARD under a DARK CLOUD, which means July shall be an INAUSPICIOUS month for: STAYING COOL, LOOKING HOT, & also for NOT REBELLING AGAINST AN OPPRESSIVE GOVERNMENT.

• Remember the old widows’ wisdom: Red-White-Blue, safe in the shoe. Blue-Red-White, DOOMED AT NIGHT.

• Lucky numbers: 1-2-3, or 123, the number of slaves that George Washington personally owned at the end of his life.

A hot & sticky month ahead, mortals—but I simply see what the Morrígan choose to unveil. I hope together, we shall turn these events to our advantage! & I hope as well, this information makes itself useful swiftly.

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I shall write ye Saturday with a fresh dispatch—assuming we survive the siege at the FORT OF ZYULY! By the rockets’ red glare, ye shall enjoy this one, I SWEAR. So JOIN US THERE FRIDAY! ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & keep those mortal fingers away from mortars…

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Siege Imagineer