Return of the Living Billiens

Pre-llowe’en greetings, mortals! On Friday, we face the RETURN OF THE LIVING BILLIENS! Beset by resurgent business-brained ghouls—still hoping to cure Mister Neelix—& we MUST REMAIN A TALK SHOW. We captured one of the ghouls (played by HUNTER) & shall interrogate him to learn of this menace FRIDAY AT 8PT!

BELOW: Though I prefer to celebrate the more ancient & stately holiday of Samhain, in accommodation to our Hallowe’en-crazed mortal readers, please enjoy a DOUBLE-TREAT! Budget-friendly costume ideas, crafted by thine truly, & then two of our HALLOWE’EN ESPECIALS PAST!

Budget-Friendly Hallowe’en Costume Ideas!

READER! Are ye like 90% of American mortals, & find thyself with a coinpurse so empty that thieves apologize to ye? FEAR NOT. Ye may yet guise for Hallowe’en, & caper about while the world burns, WITHOUT spending sixpence a yard for proper motley! Try one of these:

• UNFROZEN CAVE-MAN: “Wait,” I hear ye cry, “Shall this not demand make-up & wig?” Nay, mortal! Thine ancestors in Homo Sapiens lived also in caves. Simply wear thine own clothing, & adopt an offensive accent wherein all verbs are present-tense & ye cannot use articles, et voilà le travail! Ye become a cave-man brought to present day, just as seen in the documentary film Encino Man!

• SCARY CULT MEMBER: I know, I know, I hear ye whine again—“How can this be cheap, shall I not require robe & dagger? Am I to sacrifice one hundred of dollars on the altar of guising?!” Calm, calm, friend! The modern world finds itself awash in cults, full of mortals wearing normal clothing!
  Have ye a busy-ness suit? Adorn thyself in it, & espouse to party guests thine investment picks, or the “power of doubling” one’s money—& a Busy-Ness Cultman ye become!
  Have ye a large plastic beverage cup with permanent straw? Or a short-sleeved white dress shirt with black slacks? Then reader, ye may speedily transform into a Mormon Cultman—all ye must further do is brag about tithing, & pitch MLM busy-ness ideas that revolve around cookies or soda. Job done!
  Or—& this one, ‘tis the scariest idea of all—become a MAGA Cultman! No change in clothing is needed! Ye shall terrify centrist & leftist friends alike, by rambling about “6G vaccines” or “auto-pen” or about racist videos ye saw on TikTok which are clearly LLM slop. All will be fooled—all will be frightened!

• UNWILLING DEPRESSED JANITOR: This costume does require one prop, but one easily acquired! To guise as “Depressed Janitor,” simply put on thy most workly clothing, & tote about a “janitor’s blade.” Any mop, broom, spray bottle, or e’en a rag, shall do!
  If thy “workly clothing” be a uniform for retail or food service, fear not! As ye well know, such workers oft find themselves pressed into janitorial duty. Why, almost anyone working for less than six figures may become an unwilling janitor these days!
  To truly adopt thy guise, remember to say things like: “I have two college degrees,” & “We are out of chemical & Todd will not buy more,” & “While I recognize the dignity & necessity of the work I perform, I personally would rather do OnlyFans.”

• NUDE: Nudity. Simple. Classic. Free.

• ZOHRAN MAMDANI VOTER: Ha-ho, ‘tis easier than ye think! Mr. Mamdani enjoys broad support across all categories of New Yorkish mortal, & so ye may simply dress in thy normal peasant garb! All ye must do, is affect a New Yorkish manner. Try on a hideous accent; insist New Yorkish cuisine is magickal & unique; & walk as rudely as possible. HUZZAH, COSTUME COMPLETED!

Hallowe’en Fun, In Podcast Form!

For some tasty audio treats, in betwe’en listening to the horrors of the news & the terrors of podcasts by wealthy actors, please unwrap these two classics of yore:

1. In 2021, I sat down with THE Raven, from Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Raven”

2. & in 2023, we indulged in a lore-filled, high-concept, high-art evening with Summersbane, in the “Interview with the Necromancer!”

Thank ye for reading, mortals! & thank ye to those who put out candied apples & fresh carrots for us, & who support our works here with coin!

I shall write ye Saturday, IF we survive THE RETURN OF THE LIVING BILLIENS! ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & may thine All-Hallow’s Eve be full of happy trick-or-treaters & glad times.

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Semi-Hallowed