Red, White, & Blue—Defeated!

Good evening, mortals! Thank ye for joining me in my battle against the Red, White, & Blue Knight yestereve! If ye missed the surprising duel—if ye missed the especial mega-patriotic monologue—if ye missed the violent whimsy of Mister Foxy—launch a fire-work & watch the replay, right here!

July hath come, once more—but an unusual one, filled ominously with noxious air, as the yawning chasm known as “America” ticks over to 250 years of creaking age. In recognition of the occasion, I focused my divinatory sights upon the future of these “United States,” rather than just the month ahead. Read on below, or head here for the audio edition, which always contains a few extra jests exclusively for the audio-audience!

The Fourth of July Forecast
Divined under the shadow of tyranny, for Mortal Benefit
To listen to the audio edition, head here!

• This surprisingly-hot FUTURE sparkles with an aura of DEPLETED URANIUM.

• Expect CONTINENT-SPANNING HEAT DOMES, for the rest of thy lives, & the lives of SEVEN GENERATIONS to come, thanks to AMERICAN OIL COMPANIES.

• In 2029, the third State to SECEDE does so during the SUPER BOWL, causing a lengthy DELAY, as the stadium suddenly becomes FOREIGN SOIL.

• After laws barring construction of DATA CENTRES spread across the region, VIRGINIA declares itself to be known as “DATA CENTRE.” Its denizens are forcibly relocated to WEST VIRGINIA, which becomes known as “WEST DATA CENTRE,” upsetting MANY.

• The DEPARTMENT OF WAR shall yet again undergo a re-branding, becoming DEPARTMENT OF PROFITABLE MURDER, during a brief American fascination with LITERALNESS.

• Unrest sweeps across loyalist States in the MIDDLING-WEST after a GREAT LAKE is replaced with COCA-COLA™, as part of a PUBLICITY STUNT. It generates 3% INCREASED SALES, so it is ruled LEGAL by the SUPREMACIST COURT (also re-branded, during the literalness fad).

• During the FREE STATE OF JEFFERSON’S first-e’er INDEPENDENCE DAY celebrations, a CIA OPERATIVE from the FEDERAL REMNANT ZONE attempts to assassinate JEFF-LORD HABERMAN, but chokes upon a HOT DOG at the crucial moment.

• In the 2040s, CAPITALIST INSURGENTS attempt to retake the WHITE SLAVER HOUSE (also re-named), which shall have been captured by NEO-CONFEDERATES during the FEDERAL SCHISM OF 2033. Both sides are obliterated by a SUPER-CELL CYCLONE.

• FAIR PORTENTS: I spent some time observing the fluttering of tattered flags, & the errant paths of lunatic patriots at the National Mall. I thus determined that America’s future shall be an auspicious epoch for—SEIZING LIBERTY; CONSTRUCTING A NEW SOCIETY; & also for CASTING DOWN THE WICKED & POWERFUL.

• ILL OMENS: There too, I documented the lurid drooling of heat-blasted America-devotees, & inspected the viscera of bald eagle which had choked on plastic. These grim signs point to a future that holds naught but doom for—BELIEVING IN AMERICA; HOPING FOR THE BEST; & for VOTING HARDER.

• HAUNTING QUATRAIN:
   The guns fall quiet,
   Along a polluted Potomac.
   One war ends, another begins,
   in the Giants’ graveyard.

• LUCKY NUMBERS: 2-0-2-9, the year of the Grand Secession

An æon of both darkness & possibility looms before us, mortals—but I simply see what I see. I hope together, we may make the best of it! & I hope as well, this information makes itself useful swiftly.

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I shall write ye Monday with fresh art & a tale! ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & start working on what cometh next…

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Will Outlive America