A Silly Little Birthday Number

MORTALS—our intercalary journey nears its end! A new season lurks just around the corner—& as we approach Earth, so too looms a momentous holiday! Join us this Friday for A SILLY LITTLE BIRTHDAY NUMBER! With a monologue, sponsors, a bit of song, & a grand ceremonious WISH-GRANTING, ‘tis sure to be the only birthday party of someone o’er 6,000 years of age that ye attend this year. Bring a precious wish for me to grant, thy birthday suit, & a smile withal, for A SILLY LITTLE BIRTHDAY NUMBER, Friday at 8PT!

Below—while spending some time reflecting on my advancing, yet indefinite, age, I began to consider the vast array of things which be younger than I. Ye may find some surprises herein:

CODEX NATV MINIMVS

Being a Partial Compilation of Persons, Places, Objects, & Concepts my Junior
Compiled Some 6,000 Years since my Birth, at the Confluence of Three Stars
Ordered from Least to Most Junior

Time, as reckoned by human mortals
(1 breath younger than I)

Earth
(6,026 years of age; the Creationists are accidentally correct about the number only)

Nudity
(5,985 years of age; I was born as energy, & thus could be neither nude nor clothed. The first nudity occurred when one ape looked at another ape & went, “hubba hubba”)

Clothedity
(1 breath younger than nudity; the time it took to hide in a bush)

The Wheel
(5,901 years of age)

Mechanics, & Ripping People Off
(5,874 years of age; twins)

Kings
(5,126 years of age; ye were just fine without them for quite some time)

Not Wanting Kings
(5,123 years of age)

Coins
(2,600 years of age; ye were just fine without them for quite some time)

Zero
(2,422 years of age; ye were not fine without zero. Everything made much less sense. Accounting were a nightmare)

The Computer
(2,328 years of age; yes, truly)

The Roman Empire
(2,101 years of age; lives on in the hearts & minds of mortals around the world, & also in a secret chamber beneath the Vatican)

Christianity
(1,994 years of age)

English
(1,576 years of age)

Islam
(1,448 years of age)

The Holy Roman Empire
(1,226 years of age; lives on in the hearts & minds of a few huge nerds, & also in a secret chamber beneath Modesto)

Movable Type
(938 years of age)

Movable Gossip
(937 years & 364 days of age; or at least, that is what Bi Sheng’s ex told me)

Double-Entry Bookeeping
(742 years of age; again, accounting were until recently a hideous nightmare)

Eyeglasses
(740 years of age; biggest leap forward in accessibility since the stick)

Calling Someone with Glasses “Nerd”
(733 years of age)

Racism
(544 years of age; ye were plenty awful without it, & have only become worse)

The United States of America
(250 years of age, & well past its expiration date)

Rebelling against the U.S. Government
(235 years of age; mixed record)

The Sewing Machine, & Cussing at the Sewing Machine while Ripping Stitches Back Out Again, Damn It
(180 years of age; twins)

Italy
(165 years of age)

Dynamite
(159 years of age)

Germany
(155 years of age)

Talk Shows
(105 years of age)

Van Halen, Eddie
(Born 71 years ago)

Networked Computing
(57 years of age; clearly already senile)

Van Halen, Band
(Born 54 years ago, & well past its expiration date)

Watergate
(54 years of age? Just like Band Van Halen? Wow!)

Wizard Talk Shows
(8 years of age)

Aiydonn Jamesyn Whitby, Future High Iudex of the Oregonian League
(3 years of age)

The Time Ye Read This
(Happening Now)

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I hope ye shall join us Friday to celebrate A SILLY LITTLE BIRTHDAY NUMBER! I shall write ye again Saturday, after the party! ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & remember, computers are older than English…

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Peri-Birthday Boy