Quaint Village, LLC

Hale Wednesday to ye, mortals! This Friday, we chase the Billiens to QUAINT VILLAGE, LLC! A hamlet, whose peasantry fell to worship of Moneymorphs! We shall interviewrrogate local cultists, played by the delightful FORREST & EMILY of RadioFreeMultiverse! A whole town, stricken with Business Brain—a Billien must be lurking there…right? Find out, Friday at 8PT!

“But how, Amœnus,” I hear ye cry, “could we know if someone suffereth the horrid Business Brain?” Rest easy, mortals. Below, find a handy diagnostic guide:

De Diagnosi Cerebrum Commerci
On Diagnosing Business Brain

Many mortals & more each day, fall to the tragic affliction known as BUSINESS BRAIN. These sick individuals claim to seek profit above all else, but, their pathology curses them. They engage in cruelty, & seek domination, both of which are shown to reduce profit. But the disease now spreads e’en to those who shall ne’er know riches, nor call themselves “CEO.” How can it be spotted—in friends, neighbors, loved ones—before ‘tis too late?

If someone ye know begins to exhibit two or more of these traits, seek a loving intervention, instanter, for the final stages may be incurable:

• This person has at any point hurt a loved one, friend, or neighbor for a brief material gain.

• This person has at any point sold out a loved one, friend, or neighbor for any sort of reward.

• This person has at any point pointed to a loved one, friend, or neighbor, & said “HA HA, THEY ARE POORER THAN I,” to a room full of attendees at a business conference [note: rare symptom]

• This person checks some “portfolio” constantly, but refuses to tip.

• This person frames all interactions with business babble—each lunch a “meeting,” each party a “networking opportunity,” each trip to the restroom a chance to “touch base with [their] bladder.”

• This person e’en once uses the phrase, “It’s all priced in, man.”

• This person claims suits are simply “more comfortable,” & reflect their “aspirational lifestyle.”

• This person refers to themself as a “founder,” or an “entrepreneur,” or a “purpose-centered heart-led CEO with a passion for restorative investment.”

• This person bought a Tesla within the past 12 months.

• This person bought a Cyber Truck, at any time.

• This person moans about their tax bill, whilst sitting in the newest wing of their home, eating food delivered by a robot, while their personal assistant compiles a list of employees to lay off.

• This person approaches ye with an “exciting new business opportunity.”

• The “opportunity” is something ye must buy from them directly.

• The thing ye buy, is something also sold by Joe Rogan.

• This person believes people with student loans do not deserve any “hand-outs,” & believes that they howe’er earned the inheritance their family literally handed out to them.

• This person will lend ye a ducat, any time ye ask; but, they expect 10% per month, compounding, in return.

• This person employs child labor.

• This person brags about paying their child labor “below market rate for their age bracket.”

• This person once employed child labor, but no longer, due to a series of mishaps at their chocolate factory.

• This person has an immigrant spouse, or is an immigrant, yet voted for Jarl Trump.

• This person has an immigrant spouse, or is an immigrant, yet still supports Jarl Trump.

• Truly, any supposedly money-loving person who currently supports Jarl Trump—as the markets stumble, profits crater, workers suffer, & the “economy” scrapes along an iceberg—may have full-blown, terminal, irreversible BUSINESS BRAIN.

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin! Our many works shall, for all time, remain free to all, & we put the coin right into maintaining & improving our tools, our selves, & our legion of InstaGoblins.

Somehow, ‘tis now merely TWO WEEKS ‘til the Idyllwild ren faire! If ye need a ticket, visit their ticketarium right here! If ye wish to attend, but require assistance acquiring a ticket, please send a private message, or reply to this electronic mail.

I shall write ye Saturday with a fresh dispatch, assuming we survive our time in QUAINT VILLAGE, LLC! Join us there Friday at 8PT! ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & ne’er trust an exciting business opportunity…

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Interested In Working From Thy Tower As Thine Own Boss? Learn How For Only 3,000 Guilders