Prepare for the Abyssalympics!

Every 4,000 years, Hell’s most horrifying athletes gather to compete in the ABYSSALYMPICS! & only WE, the immortal comedimancers of WizWorld LIVE, hold the broadcast rights! Our peak-performer Cynthia Weatherwax hath prepared a new special report for the occasion, I crafted a new monologue, & we shall compete in a HOEDOWNATHON! So, join us for a Friday night of sport & medallions at the ABYSSALYMPICS!

In the meantime, due to recent revelations, I feel compelled to spend a moment clarifying my relationship to the most swollen man in politics, ROBERT F. KENNEDY JUNIOR. Please find my earnest, authentic, legally-non-binding statement below:

Last Summer, I took some warriors, & also RFK Jr., a-viking in the North Sea. I was supposed to meet them there, very early—before Whitsunday—when a longship in front of me hit a baby Jörmungandr—a sea-serpent-whelp, ye know? So, I pulled over, & RFK Jr. picked up the sea-serpent, & placed him on the altar in the back of my longship. Because, I was going to skin the sea-serpent—in the North Sea, under the rule of Ragnar Lodbrok, ye can do that. Ye can acquire a tag for a sea-kill serpent, to fashion scale-mail from the hide of Jörmungandr, & to use his teeth as daggers.

So then, we raided Irish monasteries up & down their soft coast, & I had the corpse of baby Jörmungandr in my longship, & we went late—we were catching a lot of sacred silver chalices & liturgies embossed with gold. But instead of going back to my home, on the frost-rimed crags of Trøndelag, I sojourned to Londinium, for we had a dinner at Goodpeter Luger’s Steakheim. Anyway, after much mead, RFK Jr. & I decided to head up to Stonehenge, & leave the baby Jörmungandr there, as a warning to the foolish old gods of the Bretons. & there are some, at the New Yorker, who seek to use this information against us.

To them I say, “Oh? ‘Tis insane now to carry dead animals about, for hours, leaving them to rot in vehicles? Oh, really, ‘tis utter madness that RFK Jr. would do this, & then release a video about it publicly, featuring Roseanne for some reason, thinking it would improve his reputation?” Well, if all that be mad, then LOCK RFK JR. AWAY IN AN ASYLUM!

I hope this brings some clarity to the situation, mortals. Particularly to those in our audience considering voting for RFK Jr.—all of whom, I assume, suffer from horrendous mind-worms as a result of eating sea-kill serpents.

Join us Friday night at 8PM Pacific for the ABYSSALYMPICS! But, please note: unauthorized use of the Abyssalympics logo, or unauthorized rebroadcast of Abyssalympics footage, may result in disorientation, dismemberment, or fines of up to 35,000 souls. So be safe, be well, & be studiously avoiding infringement of Abyssalympics’ savage & unceasing copyrights!

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Wyrm-Slayer