Perfected Modeling of Thy World

Fine morrow, mortals! I spent the week-end refining an important project—my new “Prosimulatabrum!”

Since time immemorial, mortals have sought to craft models of their world. Controllable & comprehensible simplifications which allow predictions, & projections of the future, & experimentation of possibility. But always mortals run into the limitations of simulation—to make a truly perfect model, one would need to recreate the world itself. Just as a truly perfect map, would simply be a recreation of the territory. This has been thought impractical, & no mortal e’er has achieved a true model.

Ye were wrong.

Now, with my magickal Prosimulatabrum, I have achieved modelic perfection! & all in a compact table form, which can become portable with only one hour’s work (& then two hours to set it back up). As ye can see, the Prosimulatabrum contains the world itself, in miniature, with full fidelity. For the final test, I used the Prosimulatabrum to model the mortal notion of “economy.”

From my prosimulations, I concluded the following:

• Without mortals, there is no economy.

• Without food, there are no mortals.

• If climate change proceeds unabated, there shall be no food.

• Exploiting oil be the core driver of climate change.

• Therefore, mortals ought to stop exploiting oil.

• Also, so-called “Veblen goods” which are said to “violate” the “law of demand,” in fact prove something rather different. Id est, that the sort of person who craves accumulation of objects like gold-leaf tennis shoes, or automobiles as costly as a house, or a fourth house—they in fact suffer from a new condition I term “avaritic derangement.” This obliterates Bagwell & Bernheim’s seminal 1996 paper on the topic, particularly their ludicrous assertion that W_L(μ(q*),s*(μ(q*)),ρ_h=W₁ . I am sure ‘tis clear now that their feeble equations soon shall appear just as laughable as the assertion that M · V_T = P · T, which only a feral child or monetary cultist would accept at this point.

These all seem rather obvious—why do mortal economists so routinely fail to grasp them? I know not, but with the proofs generated through my Prosimulatabrum, I feel certain that all shall soon kneel before my superior knowledge.

& if ye doubt me, well, simply use the Prosimulatabrum for thyself! I shall happily bring the set-up to thee. Once in place, ye simply need to spend three days in ritual isolation, casting a careful matrix of thirteen increasingly-painful dweomers—including Melf’s Miraculous Miniaturization, the Hideous Wilting of Ricardo, & of course, Wish.

Please note that the Hideous Wilting of Ricardo requires a gem worth at least 6,000 gold florins, & that casting Wish shall age ye five years.

Please also further note, that use of the Prosimulatabrum creates an actual sub-Earth, full of actual beings, who perish once the simulation completes.

The Prosimulatabrum is now available for rental, at 90,000 florins per session. I assume that market forces shall magickally innovate a way to make it cheaper.

Eventually.

‘Til then, don’t wait—prosimulate!

Thank ye for reading! & we humbly thank that growing clan of mortals who can & do support our works here with coin! GRATIAS!

I shall write ye come Wednesday with news of our next episode! Til then: be safe, be well, & may thy models always hold up to peer review…

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Rebel Economagus