O, Wandering Thetan

Chilling morning to ye, mortals! After seeing so many heap praise afresh upon slave-lord Thomas Cruise, I decided there must be some powerful, reality-distorting artifact in the tunnels beneath Scientology’s hideous “Gold Base.”

How else to explain the relentless popularity of someone with an army of slaves? Whose “church” forces women to date him, after an “audition” process? Clearly, some dark magicks swirl about this man—dark magicks we may yet turn to the forces of good, on our season’s quest to save Earth.

But as I descended below the sprawling compound in the wretched California desert, I found no real treasures. Aye, piles of un-sold films, copies of the tedious & insight-less Dianetics, bones of Sea Org members—but no treasures. Farther down, the halls became stranger, riddled with curious symbols. Mixtures of Crowleian Golden Dawn imagery, with seals lifted from the Lesser Key—a hodge-podge of Hubbard’s plagiarism. Theft bereft of meaning, yet inspiring total devotion.

A bizarre place, a wicked centre. I felt eyes on me—wealthy, empty eyes, gazing with a practiced & inhuman intensity. A shiver ran up my spine as I realized—celebrities! Leech-men, siphoning gold & demanding adulation. Thankfully, these particular leech-men pose no threat to any outside their control.

& so I escaped into the desert, with only a “Special Edition” Video Home System cassette of Battlefield Earth for my trouble. This, & the hope that, one day, mortal-kind shall stop feeding gold & adulation to the leech-men who dwell here…

Thank ye for reading! & we humbly thank that growing clan of mortals who can & do support our works here with coin! GRATIAS!

I shall write ye come Wednesday with news of our next episode! Til then: be safe, be well, & go not unto the slave-lord’s new film…

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Considered A “Suppressive Wizard” By David Miscavige