New Year's Mega-Missive!

Twenty-fively greetings, mortals! In today’s dispatch, find ye ALL THINGS NEW-YEARLY! From mine own goals, to my predictions for the year to come, to Cynthia’s “25 in ‘25” goal-setting form, ‘TIS ALL HERE. Read on, & gird thine soft-organs for the ONCOMING MONTHS.

At the top, as ye see, my plans for the year: DEFEAT! & DEMAND! Defeat what I find vile, & Demand what I DESERVE. Resolutions hold their power—but over ourselves, only. When we BESIEGE THE YEAR—when we tread upon that which would stomp us—more may we gain. We DEMAND of the world what we must, & DEFEAT that in the world which ought not continue. What would ye Defeat, & Demand? At the very end of this missive, find a blank template, for scribing thine own lofty goals!

But, let me not drift awash in selfishness! After last night’s show, I spent time refreshing my Calendarium, & then pondering the ANNUM NOVUM. Unfold the scroll, & find my 2025 FORECAST below!

2025 Forecast

Truths, Half-Truths, & Visions of the Coming Year

• The coming year possesses an aura of QUICKSILVER. It shall pass swiftly, yet leave poison in its wake. The nimble & wary shall avoid its touch; lively steps this year, a must.

• As Evil rises, Good must seize the moment. Let thy foe ne’er hold advantage, nor the high ground, lest villainy take root.

• On the Night of Ten Crows, avoid the High Boulevard. Traffic shall be murder.

• One fish, two fish, dead fish, no fish: expect a run on seafood in the deadly Summer. The wise shall gird their ponds.

• Alive without breath, As cold as death; Never thirsty, ever drinking, All in mail never clinking. (ANSWER: Nancy Pelosi)

• JLo shall stomp across a red carpet, in a dress of gold, with a B-tier bard upon her arm. At this sign, expect wars & rumors of wars.

• Happy Gilmore 2 shall disappoint, surprising no one.

• Elon Musk, upon the field of battle; Elon Musk, in the Valkyrie’s chariot.

• Lucky numbers for 2025: I, I, II, III, V, VIII, XIII

• The rich shall triumph; I admit one needs no magick to predict this particular outcome

• When the cat is away, the mice will die off after mass infection from H5N1.

• A red Sun rises; the orange sits the throne. The Empire crumbles; the wise build their own.

If ye missed last night’s Tenth Night ENTOMBAGANZA, simply press upon these words to enjoy it! We sent the auld Year 2024 to Hell, entombed fore’er; we bid ye WASSAIL one more time; & we enjoyed DOUBLE-CYNTHIA. Not merely a monologue, nay: she also shared with us her own form of New Year Goalery, in the form of: 25 IN ‘25. Shaping her goals round the sacred number “25,” she recommends the method to any seeking improvement. A few of her goals, thus:

Facilitate 25 new moon ceremonies
Take 25 hours of nature walks every quarter (not as 2.1 hours weekly; unclear why)
Eat 25 pounds of meat (possibly, during walks)
Follow a 25-step skincare routine to look 250 years old
Get 25 new words into common vernacular (‘tis most SHIJOWZY)
Make it so 25 people never forget me (may involve murder)
Name 25 bugs (id est: appending names to bugs ye see)

Summersbane & I, frankly, vibe not with this method. The mathematics required, escape our softened wizard brains. But many do vibe, including our esteemed Cynthia, so we include it here that it might resonate with THEE. If ye set such a ventiquintuplicate goal, let us know!

I shall bid ye farewell after this final image, but I wish to state: regardless of method, we hope thy goals rise to meet ye! Or at least, we hope ye SURVIVE 2025.

Mortals, we thank all who joined us for our show last night; all who read these dispatches; & certainly all the generous & kind mortals who can provide $5 monthly to support our works!

I wish ye only the best in this forthcoming & foreboding year, mortals. We shall need each other in 2025, more e’en than before, & our relief shall come only from community. I have hope in my heart, & spite, for the battles to come! ‘Til next time: be safe, be well, & be sure to utilize the template below to concoct thine own SIEGE OBJECTIVES for the Hell that shall be, 2025!

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Soothsmith

P.S.: Find just below, the DEFEAT & DEMAND template for 2025: