Labor Day: Worker's Wizardry

Peruse the Liber Laboris!

Author

Amoenus Franco
September 02, 2024

We never go out of print!

Happy Labor Day, mortals! E’en an immortal such as I, Amoenus Franco, am no stranger to work. Yea, I have felt the pains of enriching others at mine own expense—so, for thy benefit on this quasi-holiday, enjoy this new, modern, ultra-brief edition of my classic work, WORKER’S WIZARDRY. In print, eternally, since the invention of Work; find below a collection of spells, enchantments, & sorceries, formulated for the use & benefit of those who LABOR:

WORKER’S WIZARDRY

sive LIBER LABORIS
Editio Modernus et Perbrevis
Being a collection of Spells, Sigils, Orisons, &c.
Published A.D. 2024 / The Year of Dueling Senility

Preface

{n.b.: previous, fuller editions contain an extensive array of maps, complete with diagrams of where bosses can & cannot observe ye. For this ultra-breviary, enjoy a condensed Preface.}

Working? Ah, but let Magick ease Labor’s strains! Enjoy the following spells, compiled over my six millennia of shifts, & work-places inside & out. Laid here, kindly, so they may be absorbed swiftly on thy break! — Amoenus F.

Book I: Ritual Preparations

Most major magickal operations, whether conducted by man or mage, require a truly hideous amount of prep, all of it unpaid. For this grimoire, I designed each working to function regardless of preparation or enthusiasm. Many sages claim that magick works best when wearing a sanctified uniform, worth at least 1,000 florins, taken from thine own wages. I say, such a claim? ‘Tis manager thinking. & so, consider preparation complete!

PAST LABORS: Under Elon’s Eye / Guarding Alchemi-Burgers

Book II: Spells

Now that ye have prepared, or not prepared—ye deserve pay either way—let us leap right to the POWERS. These spells, any worker may cast, for a variety of purposes, well-suited to those feeling vanquished by MANAGEMENT.

To Avoid a Task
Cast when ye wish to not do that crap.

This spell finds common use in every industry. When confronted with a task, or problem, which ye know ye should deal with, yet also someone else could deal with, conduct thus:
Look to the North, & appear busy. Look to the East, & appear busy. Look to the South, & appear busy. Look to the West, & appear busy. & then, chant the task ye despise, & pretend to go do elsewise.
To Secure PTO
Cast when a loathsome oaf seeks to deny thy PTO.

After ye have conducted whatever annoying rites management requires, just to get one damned afternoon off, conduct thus to ensure success:

Find an unpopular food item in the break room. Break or crumble the item, such that ye may cast it into a circle. Step inside the circle, & scream “BURNOUT” until ye receive PTO.
To Avoid a Customer
Cast when ye simply cannot deal with them right now.

When ye hear the haunting ringing of the phone, or the dinging of the app, project thyself into the astral plane & wait ‘til it stops. SUCCESS!

NOTE: Difficult to cast when face-to-face, but, not impossible. Worth a try!
To Seem Important
Cast when ye need to not be fired, but also, not work over-hard.

Identify a task which NOBODY wishes to do, but MUST be done. Volunteer to accomplish this task; then, create thine own inscrutable ritual for it, & explain the rites to NO ONE.

NOTE: Make liberal use of magickal words, strange motions, & so forth, & be sure to appear busy while crafting it!
Book III: Sigils

A proper sigil requires holding the designs in one’s mind, understanding every stroke, endowing every letter or rune or scrawl with hidden layers of meaning. But an efficient sigil is one ye may simply re-use whenever ye wish, particularly when faced with monotonous, meaningless tasks. Besides, if the boss wants ye to create sigils, they are welcome to pay ye for it.

The “LABOR” Square
Inscribe this on a wall, floor, or bathroom stall, to provide additional work-energy.

L A B O R
A             O
B             B
O             A
R O B A L
n.b.: Center left empty; not in my job description.

The Rune of “I QUIT”
Inscribe anytime. Useful for liberation, or, in expert hands, leverage.

F U

PAST LABORS: Hunny-Steward / Alchemi-Burger Outpost Warden

Book IV: Orisons

Powerful pre-written prayers, useful on a shop floor, in thy cubicle, or even when confronted by Management.

  1. O!, Heavens above et Hells below, hear my prayer! May my work today mean something, anything at all!

  2. Profits come, profits go, profits they affect me not. May the chart fall down, & the bosses weep, & all the investors slump to ruin!

  3. Wise Angels gazing down upon me, have mercy! Let the power be out at the office. Take this electric burden from my shoulders, in this, my shift of need.

  4. May the time-clock software work on the first try today.

  5. May the payment system work on the first try today.

  6. May any of the thrice-damned third-party software I have to use, just to do my stupid job, work at all for any part of the stupid day.

  7. O!, wise keepers of the Kalends, may ye see fit to leave my birthday off, that I may not have to pretend to be having a happy birthday while at the place that holds me hostage five days every week!

  8. Foul NLRB, thou hated necessity, may ye receive my union card with no interference from that scab Trimalchio, whom I know to be a bootlicking snitch, & I would not put it past him to fuck with the process. May he never see the Big Rock Candy Mountain, so mote it be!

  9. Take this job, O Boss, & shove it—by which I mean, all the way up thine unholy buttock, next to thine head.

  10. O!, I am on a lunch break, & speaking to me of work now represents a wage violation, AMEN.

{n.b.: some readers find these prayers overly cynical; to which I respond, if ye love thy job so much, why would ye read a book of Worker’s Wizardry in the first place? Ye already work in Paradise, apparently, & who needs spells in Paradise?}

Afterword

Afterword? ‘Tis the Witching Hour, & I am now off until Wotan’s Day.

THUS ENDETH THE WORK.

I hope this labor finds ye at rest, mortals. Ye labor far too hard; thine ancestors worked far less, even the ones who were prehistoric farmers (i.e., most of them). Mortals need a break, & I hope ye catch one soon!

If ye have any spells or charms to share, for fellow Labor-Mortals, be sure to share them in a comment on the “Web-Version” of this missive!

I shall write ye again on Wednesday with news of this week’s episode! I think ye shall find its theme quite stimulating. I thank all who read this dispatch, to all who spread the word of our Scriptorium, & I thank all who can & do spare $5 monthly to support our works. Until Wednesday, stay safe, be well, & remember to file for thy MILEAGE & MEALS.

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Would love to circle back on this but am waiting on response from client

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