Jinxsaw's Game

PLUS—the September Forecast!

Author

Amoenus Franco
September 03, 2025

WOE BE WE, mortals! We bumbled into another trap—this Friday, we find ourselves unwilling players in JINXSAW’S GAME! If we lose, we face destruction—& worse, this monarchist villain Jinxsaw has recruited the gruesome goon DR. JONES to assist his torments! Help us escape Friday at 8PT—or it may be our last…

BUT—despite disaster, I still must deliver this month’s Forecast! I slipped into the pocket plane of my Calendarium to peer ahead into the sweaty September that lies in wait. Face this month forewarned—below, find both textual & audio versions!

The September Forecast
Divined in the eye of a cyclone, for Mortal Benefit

To listen to this forecast, simply teleport to the pod-cast version right here!

  • This gnashing SEPTEMBER hustles us with an aura of SILVER-BACKED UNCERTAINTY. A veneer of wealth, yet, a slippery coating of DREAD.

  • Expect UNBEARABLE HEAT—except in SOUTH DAKOTA, which shall enjoy an invasion of FROST GIANTS. I bid early congratulations to those future residents of NEW JOTUNHEIM!

  • There shall be ANOTHER 9/11 (DATE). & there shall also be ANOTHER 9/12 (EVENT).

  • Embarrassment shall strike a MABON FESTIVAL, as two different witches show up wearing the SAME NUDITY.

  • A certain barrel-shaped EVIL TALK SHOW HOST shall turn PERMANENTLY RED, after he foolishly mixes his BLUE & SILVER POTIONS. Also his LEGS shall FALL OFF & not one being shall FEEL BADLY

  • The “Church” of Scientology’s annual AUDITOR’S DAY extravaganza goes awry, when several of TOM CRUISE’S SLAVES unexpectedly escape. I hope seeing MISSION IMPOSSIBLE was WORTH IT

  • Against all odds, it shall SNOW IN LOS ANGELES, after a HOT AIR BALLOON full of COCAINE is ATTACKED by an EAST KOREAN DRONE.

  • A TECH COMPANY shall UPSET EVERYONE, including their INVESTORS, & including the OFFICE DOG.

  • In a desperate attempt to stop ZOHRAN MAMDANI, New York’s mush-minded MAYOR ADAMS & grope-crazy GOVERNOR CUOMO shall step into Steve Urkel’s transformation chamber, & emerge as the horrendous GOVYOR CUOMDAMO. The miserable creature lives for a pathetic SEVENTEEN SECONDS, during which it HARASSES THREE WOMEN.

  • FAVORABLE PORTENTS: After observing the motions of several BIRDS & SHEEP, I confidently predict this month shall be an excellent time for NEW JOURNEYS, RENAISSANCE FAIRES, & OBSERVING THE COLLAPSE OF AI COMPANIES.

  • ILL OMENS: By carefully considering the PLACEMENT OF CLOUDS & the MOTION OF FLOWERS, I determine that this September bodes poorly for NEW COMPANIES, STEAMPUNK FAIRES, & for TRYING TO BREAK THE WORLD RECORD FOR “LARGEST SUSHI BURRITO.” All shall end in DISASTER.

  • WEATHER WISDOM: [Unavailable, all September weather wisdom invalidated by climate change]

  • Lucky numbers: 0-0-0-0, soon to be the sum total of ALEX JONES’ BANK ACCOUNT.

Another rough month ahead, mortals—but I simply see what I see. Slay not the messenger! I hope together, we may make the best of it, & at least take some comfort in watching the AI bubble slowly collapse?

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I shall write ye Saturday with a fresh dispatch—assuming we survive the terror of JINXSAW’S GAME! What is in the box? Trash…glorious trash. JOIN US THERE FRIDAY! ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & be kind to any goblins ye meet.

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Irish Rising

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