Jinxsaw, New Friend

Blessèd afternoon, mortals! If ye missed our narrow escape last night, when we sacrificed the foul Professor Dr. Alex Jones in order to escape Jinxsaw’s trap, catch the replay right here!

Owen P. Jinxsaw, though initially our captor & would-be killer, became our friend in the end. Professor Dr. Alex Jones did not survive the experience, but I do not believe any person watching felt badly.

Below, one of our sponsors contacted us after the show, demanding we add further information. Normally, we would not obey such a bizarre request, but Azog Foe-Slasher is a very convincing businessorc. Below, please read his full slashing service agreement & legal disclamation:

Azog Foe-Slasher
Standard Slashing Agreement & Legal Disclamation

1. Introduction

   1. Thank you, hoo-mon, for hiring Azog Foe-Slasher (hereafter “Azog”). You, hoo-mon (hereafter “client”) have hired Azog to slash a foe or foes. This document contains the terms of hire, & if client breaks them, Azog will slash.

2. Definitions

   1. “Slash”: Azog’s primary activity, directed normally at a foe or foes. Azog will use his sword—the blood-stained Razor of Durin, seized from the Dwarves after their defeat during the Third War of Returning—to perform a downward edge-side stroke.

   2. “Foe(s)”: Azog’s primary target. While Azog has his own personal foes, during the course of hire, Azog will add the client’s foe(s) to his list.

3. Limitations

   1. Azog will not accept commissions to slash children, the poor, the innocent, &c. Azog needs coin, but not that badly.

   2. Azog will accept commissions to slash the elderly, provided the foe(s) in question have a net worth above 1 billion florins.

   3. Azog will perform only one (1) slash per commission. Death is not guaranteed. The Razor of Durin is forged of mithril, & never loses its edge, but some foes are simply resilient.

   4. If an additional slash or slashes are desired by the client, the client must pay Azog an additional fee.

   5. Azog will not stab, nor bludgeon, nor bite, &c. The services provided extend only to slashing, & only of foes.

4. Disclamation

   1. Azog is not responsible for any crimes committed in the process of providing service.

   2. Azog neither recognizes nor respects pathetic hoo-mon laws, nor their pathetic rulers. Azog reigns supreme.

   3. Should client require a lawyer, Azog is not responsible for the cost.

   4. Any bills, notices, suits, &c., sent to Azog, will be slashed.

   5. Finally, please note that after the commission has ended, if client has been rude, hostile, demanding, &c., Azog may consider client a foe. Whom he shall slash.

Thank ye for reading, mortals! & thank ye especial to the generous mortals who can & do supply us with sacks of adamant to support our works here! We lost some of our wizards’ tools in the flood last week, but thanks to our readers & supporters, we were able to swiftly replace them.

Which was urgent, for next week we shall perform at the IDYLLWILD RENAISSANCE FAIRE! Which means, on Friday the 12th, we shall conduct our traditional BEHIND-THE-SCENES STREAM! I hope ye shall join us, for our especial look around the faire!

I shall write ye Monday with fresh art & a tale—’til then, be safe, be well, & MOURN NOT FOR ALEX JONES

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Cannot Wait for Faire