In Caverna Quærendo Maþm

PLUS—the August forecast!

Author

Amoenus Franco
August 05, 2026

Good morning, mortals! This Friday, with Summersbane kidnapped to who-knows-where, my treasure-quest must continue! Using the Compass of Octopon, I uncovered a forgotten grotto, & somewhere within it lies a needed artifact! But I am not alone—join myself & the mysterious being inside (played by H. DUBB) Friday at 8PT as IN CAVERNA QUÆRENDO MAÞM!

August rises redly—I celebrated Lughnasadh in the customary way this past week-end, & while atop the mountain, I divined this forecast for ye. Read on below, or head here for the audio edition, which always contains a few extra jests exclusively for the audio-audience!

My Calendarium, in dusty Summertide

The August Forecast
Divined on Lughnasadh, for Mortal Benefit
To listen to the audio edition, head here!

  • This burning AUGUST smolders with an aura of JAGGED KYANITE.

  • Expect INCREASED COWARDICE across the North-East, as a BRIBERY RIDGE surges up from the BERMUDA TRI-ANGLE.

  • Disgraced gremlin HALEY STEVENS shall mysteriously DISAPPEAR FROM PUBLIC VIEW—but be not FOOLED. She shall in fact simply be experiencing fresh VISIONS OF ISRAEL in the CAVES AT DELPHI (INDIANA).

  • This year’s ELVIS WEEK celebrations end in tragedy, as thousands across the country attempt to STEAL BLACK MUSIC only to find out that EVERY AI COMPANY BEAT THEM TO IT.

  • Say it with me—WAR.

  • SCIENTOLOGY shall breach the news once more, for UNSAVOURY REASONS, but somehow, people shall still watch TOM CRUISE do ANYTHING.

  • The SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS shall defeat the SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS in a PRE-SEASON GAMBLING MATCH. Niners WIN.

  • Avoid ARKANSAS. Not on any particular August date, but AS A RULE.

  • Later this month, a marvelous FATHER shall enjoy a TRANQUIL BIRTHDAY by the POOL.

  • FAIR PORTENTS: I spent some time on Lughnasadh observing the entrails of conservablins, & the flights of Valley crebain. I thus determined that this August shall be an august month for—VISITING LUSH ISLES; CASTING REASONABLE WISHES; & also for HARANGUING THE POWERFUL.

  • ILL OMENS: While there atop Mount Diablo, I also documented the prowling of Valley panthers, & inspected the remains of a be-droughted pistachio tree. These grim signs point to an August that holds naught but doom for—VISITING HARRY STYLES; CASHING AIPAC CHECKS; & for INVESTING IN SPACE-X.

  • HAUNTING QUATRAIN:
     Green rides upward,
     Red tumbles downward.
     The Goldmonger sups
     on the peasant’s future.

  • LUCKY NUMBERS: 63.9 Million, unless ye be Haley Stevens

An unnerving month ahead, mortals—but I simply see what I see. I hope together, we may make the best of it! & I hope as well, this information makes itself useful swiftly.

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I shall write ye Saturday after our time IN CAVERNA QUÆRENDO MAÞM! ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & think kindly of Michigan today…

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Maᚦm-Seeker

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