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- Happy Valendune's!
Happy Valendune’s, mortals! Despite the looming threat of the Kwisatz Oligarch, break out the Sapho juice & enjoy a special holiday visit from superstar HUNTER, in an all-new guise! Bring thy belovèd & be there Friday at 8PT!
Below—find three special Valentines, featuring Cynthia, Summersbane, & myself! Suitable for printing & gifting to spouses, crushes, & concubines alike! For full print quality, please point thy thinking machine to this: right here.
Below each Valentine, as a bonus, are some charming suggestions from each of us, should ye require some romantic inspiration:
Incantation To Charm a Paramour at the Tavern
Double, double, kisses & snuggles; Fire burns, & caldron bubbles!
Scale of rich man; tears of wolf; Witches' mummy, bra & gulf!
Toss in thy number, good & quick; Add to it poison hemlock stick.
& liver of blaspheming ex; then gall of man, to bless the hex!
For the ingredients of love’s caldron—Double, double, kisses & snuggles; Fire burns, & caldron bubbles!
Buy me one hot Mary’s blood—then the charm is firm & good!
Bone & Wine Pairings for a Valentine’s Meal
For a Merlot or Malbec, our necromancer suggests something acidic, like a clavicle, or kneecap.
With an oaky Pinot Gris, naturally a triplet of phalanges (finger or toe will do).
With a Sangiovese, only left ribs—right-side ribs may overpower the wine.
Finally, with Prosecco, any of the cervical vertebrae—thoracic, if ye must. But nothing lumbar or below—they introduce unpleasant barnyard notes.
(Please note that Champagne, the pale French imitation of Prosecco, is not officially advised, unless serving to a foe just before a vengeful revelation).
Love-Words for Amorous Philologists
Broaden thy bouquet of love-words with these suggestions from Amoenus:
“Welina!, me ke aloha!” A phrase from Hawai’ian: “Greetings!, with love!”
“Healsgebedda.” A noun from Old English, meaning roughly “bedfellow.”
But, more specifically, “bedfellow whose neck ye throw thine arms around.”
Use as an elegant & fresh substitute for “lover,” “paramour,” or “sex-friend.”“Vivāmus, mea, atque amemus.” A phrase from Latin: “Let us live, my dear one, & let us love.”
“Pēdīcābō ego, amata, et irrumābō!” A slightly advanced variation on the above.
We pray these Valentines & tips prove useful, mortals! Thank ye for reading, for believing in love despite the world’s vicious attacks on the very concept, & we thank with extra loveness those generous mortals who can & do support our works with coin (or chocolate).
The recent contamination of our InstaGoblin stock, which caused signal issues on Sunday, hath been ERADICATED. Not only shall our signal on Friday be cleansed, it shall in fact, be MORE POWERFUL THAN BEFORE. So I hope ye shall celebrate Valendune’s with us, mortals! ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & remember to kiss without rhythm, lest ye attract the worm…
Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Ethically Pre-Monogamous
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