GATHER YE ROUND, weary travelers, & warm thyselves with a tale of the immortal Amoenus Franco…

Not long ago, as the final frosts of Winter surrendered to the wild & sizzling Spring, I found myself in a heated argument with two lascivious lizard-men at Skeletony’s Tavern. They sought to eat a fellow patron—an unforgiveable breach of the Codex Taberna. I subdued them with poetry, & the poor fellow they sought for feasting offered, as thanks, a dungeoneering tip! “Undefended treasures!,” he claimed, “in the vaults of the worst mortals ‘maginable!” I inquired who that might be, & he whispered two words which forever darkened my world:

“Effective Altruists.”

I would come to despise those words in the time to come; to loathe the moneyed vultures who misuse the phrase as a badge of honor. They use “data,” they claim, to decide how best to donate—but they lie! To us? To themselves?—Ah but, my friend, I speed ahead of myself.

I trudged over paved hill & concrete dale, through the wretched Silicon Valley with its chain stores & chain mansions, in long search of the lucrative Lair of Effective Altruism. At the gate, made of smooth imported marble with lots of unnecessary & frankly impractical glass, I faced two lurching guardians. One claimed to tell the truth, the other, a lie. ‘Twas, frankly, a hackneyed guardian setup. Every adventurer worth their salt knows the solution to three things: the Sphinx’s riddle (man), the Silver Monkey puzzle (just three pieces, take a breath), & the Lie/Truth Duo. I, however, eschew convention, & rather than skip to the logical end, I like to use Lie/Truth guardians for information. I asked the minions, “What is Effective Altruism?” Huge mistake.

Three hours later, the two guardians clawed at each other’s throats, despite always saying the exact same thing. “We help as many people as possible,” they would declare, then argue about which were the liar. “We are saving lives in the future,” they cried, before coming to blows. “We do not care about profit,” “We are data-based,” “We are not just rich people finding ways to get richer while pretending to care,” & so on & so on. Excruciating. Eventually I simply walked into the dungeon; they seemed not to notice, nor care.

Inside, I expected traps. Pits, hidden arrows, false floors—the standards. Instead, I found a self-styled “Ultra Lounge,” with many bored staff & nobody else around. Pictures of Sam Bankman-Fried, their deranged hero, adorned the frigid walls. Alongside hung lists of what these people considered “Effective” & “Ineffective” altruisms. I perused them, & felt my bile boil. Apparently they consider “donating” to “AI” projects to be a form of “effective altruism.” These cowards prioritize raising funds for inane apps, for “research projects” based around “AI safety,” for giving to 501{c}3 organizations that launder money back to other billionaires—they seem to go out of their way to do anything except actually help people!¹

Feed the hungry? Nay, say they. House the homeless? Nay, say they. Heal the sick, comfort the frightened, hug the lonely? Nay, nay, NAY. Disgusting, revolting, empty-souled hucksters painting themselves as helpers! So far as I could tell, these “Effective Altruists” were low-minded scamsters working the same hustle that every prince has since the dawn of hierarchy. I resolved to destroy them, in their sickening hive.

Two guards barred my way; they wore T-shirts, from something insipid called “Manifest 2023.” They claimed I “could not pass, bro.” Using what I had learned from the posters, I told the guards I were poor. Instantly, their eyes glazed over, & they appeared to forget I even existed! I strolled past the money-minded morons, deeper into their cult’s domain.

I descended a set of extremely expensive stairs, whose angle & lack of railing certainly violated the ADA, & found what I can only describe as a “worship meeting.” ‘Twas not true worship, for the “Effective Altruists” worship only money, & money-worship has no substance. But, ‘twas certainly a meeting. They discussed many things: their many PR woes, their woeful tech’s many fake problems, & never presented any real solutions, for they are all executives & thus worthless. Eventually they began discussing Eugenics, a topic for which every “Effective Altruist” expressed a marked enthusiasm!² At this, I could no longer remain silent. I summoned an enormous stone golem, which formed itself from the extraordinarily expensive & unsafe stairs; it stomped on all their frail, wealth-addled bones, & they mounted no resistance at all. ‘Tis almost as if “effective altruists” are unable to take any real, serious action, even if their lives depend upon it.

I rummaged through the various treasure chests in the lower vault, but found nothing. Only “IOU” notes, claiming that the coin lay in a “donor-advised castle.” Empty-handed, I left. After I hiked back to Skeletony’s Tavern, through the glass-&-concrete miseries of Sunnyvale, & I found the little fellow who gave me the “tip,” & I fed him to the lizard-men personally.

“Effective Altruism”—FIE. ‘Tis neither effective, nor altruistic. Merely a massive waste of time…unless one is a hungry lizard-man.

I hope this adventure brought some delight on this Monday, mortals—I thank ye for reading, & I hope ye never must suffer the exhausting presence of an “Effective Altruist!”

I shall write ye again come Wednesday, with news of our 200TH EPISODE EXTRAVAGANZA! Happening, of course, Friday night at 8PM Pacific on our Twitch channel. In the meantime: be safe, be well, & never trust a billionaire who claims to care.

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Golemancer

¹ Truly, they seem pathologically averse to helping actual people in actual need. Many of them claim to be terrified of AI, but try bringing up a living wage, & they will scream & flee. “Effective Altruism” believers are more afraid of equality than AI. Just peruse their websites, like the “ACX Grants” & the scam-site “Manifund,” to see where their miserly priorities lie.

² These “Effective Altruist” ghouls steep themselves in all manner of horrendous right-wing beliefs, but none more insidious than their ravenous hunger for eugenics. They write long essays convincing each other that eugenics is good, eugenics chat dominates their social spaces, eugenics leaks into every conversation they have about how to improve society. Reprehensible people.