Cynthia Weatherwax: Femme Fonctionnelle

HAIL! Hexologist Supreme, Monologist Sublime, our most favored witch—CYNTHIA WEATHERWAX! This hand-inscribed seal, based around her watch-words as “Femme Fonctionnelle,” sprang from my quill like Athena from Zeus. For those yet unskilled in the secrets of the runes, the outer ring reads: WITCHCRAFT — MELATONIN — POTATO (EARTH-APPLE) — WORK — BILLS (FORCED-PAYING) — PLATEAU (LIFE-FLAT) — MERELY BEING (“WIST”). These principles, bare-minimums, & powers, all she outlined this past Friday in “Hell or High Profits!”

I hope ye may use this seal to bring power, or inspiration, or simply motivation enow to EXIST. Given the state of matters on Middangeard, as Cynthia informed us—continued existence shall suffice.

Below, find copies of the seal, transmuted for replication! Whether to vellum, or a tabard, or a sheet of “stickers,” may ye find them utile. I intend, over this blessèd Winter, to convert much of our extant “merch” to this “template” form. Many enterprising mortals in the community possess the knowledge to craft their own items, & the wretched middle-merchant who facilitates our “merch” steals much of the profit, so for those who wish’t, we would to allow ye to churn out “bootleg” items. I hope someday to see many “bootleg” Cynthia stickers adorning knapsacks, lunch-sacks, & run-down punk venue bathrooms.

Nota bene: Any fiend attempting to reap profits from such “bootlegs,” shall be swiftly hexed into the musty Earth. As we provide them freely, so ye must, in turn.

I shall open the “gratitude folio” of this missive by again thanking the many who so generously supported us this past weekend! It shall gladden ye to know, I think, that in addition to funding the looming CASHIE AWARDS, I also tasked the InstaGoblins with reforging Cynthia’s broadcast array, thanks to the munificence bestowed upon us. All who contribute—whether during a broadcast, or here in the Scriptorium—merit more thanks than I could ever express, as do all those who join the shows & enliven our little tavern, & the valiant literati who consume our dispatches.

I shall write ye come Wednesday, bearing news of our next show! ‘Til then—be well, remember thy melatonin, & may ye remain fonctionnelle.

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Sigilsmith-for-Hire