The Cult-Battler's Guide: Public Relations

Please enjoy an excerpt from my forthcoming book, “The Cult-Battler’s Guide,” which apparently every single mortal leader needs! Send this along to all the scientists, journalists, & Presidential strategists in thy lives:

Chapter VII: Public Relations

If ye have turned to this chapter, sadly, that indicates the situation has deteriorated, despite all thine attempts to suppress or neutralize the cult (as discussed in Chapter IV: Preventative Societal Maintenance). The cult, one way or another, has achieved sufficient growth so as to require the most daunting combat of all: “Public Relations.” DO NOT DESPAIR! At this stage, ‘tis crucial to remain courageous, for the arena of “Public Relations” is one where any cult-battler can win!

Before attempting to smash the wretched movement in this manner, be advised that victory may require bent principles, ludicrous behavior, & a total abandonment of shame. But, if successful, leveraging “Public Relations” can save thy town, colony ship, or society from utter cult domination. All without any bloodshed! (For an alternative, bloodshed-based solution which we cannot legally endorse & present merely for educational purposes, see Appendix B: The Red Way of the Reaver).

Now, with thy shame cast off into the void, adopt the core strategy: HUMILIATION. Seems simple? ‘Tis simple! The goal of “Public Relations” when battling any cult—whether based around a charismatic leader, an abrasive leader, an Atlantean snake-mage, &c.—is to destabilize the leader so badly they lose all control. Anything less, & the cult will flourish.  Humiliation achieves this, every time!

Each cult type (c.f. Chapter II: Taxonomy of Bastards) requires a distinct approach, & the precise tactics required will be unique to each situation. But I shall provide a few sample scenarios, for guidance & inspiration:

• 300 years ago, I found myself in the otherwise peaceful city of Cranch Guiealgh. Half of the citizenry had fallen under the sway of a charismatic-type, who claimed to have a “perfect body.” He demanded tithes of food & kisses, & seized all the best clothes for himself. I challenged him to Feats of Strength, & he could not decline, for what better proof of a “perfect body?” As the crowd gathered, rather than competing, I simply rushed over & stripped him nude, exposing his weird triple-buttock. The cult immediately dissolved. Was this cruel? Indeed. Against principles of fairness? Sadly. But was it a “Public Relations” victory? Absolutely.

  • Special Note: The “Public” aspect is key. Humiliation of a cult leader or cultist, in private, is both ineffective & dangerous. (see Chapter VI: Oops, I Upset Them)

• There is a land, let us call it A—, where a cult grew among actors. This cult posits that alien ghosts infect each mortal being, & only by pledging all money & labor to the cult, can one be rid of these ghosts. Though the cult remains powerful in certain pockets of A—, & maintains its massive slave-ship, the cult faced steep, irreversible decline after a puppet show made mockery of the cult societally acceptable. The puppet show spread quickly amongst the peasantry, which emboldened the cowardly actor-noble class to slowly turn against the cult as well. The brilliance of this tactic relies in creating a pervasive atmosphere of humiliation, letting society battle the cult as a team with minimal personal risk. No leader can overcome that. “Public Relations” success!

  • Special Note: Cults often spring up among actors, a constant throughout the omniverse. If an acting school forms nearby or, worse, an improv theatre, conduct an Expedited Covert Assessment immediately (refer back to Chapter III: Tools of the Trade).

• Small cults often spring up in marketplaces & roadways, based around a loud mortal that no one ever questions. For these situations, the simplest Humiliation is simply, to ask them questions & not let go until they answer. For example, if one such curbside mouther says something about an “Invasion of Communism in the church,” try asking him “What do you mean by Communism? Define Communism.” & then continue asking until he provides a definition. Then ask a question about the definition, repeating until he answers. Then ask another, repeat, & so forth. His total loss of control of the conversation is a powerful Humiliation, & as a bonus, all his cult members will be literally standing there watching! Wow, “Public Relations!”

• In that same land of A—, the society has largely oriented itself around having “money.” Those with a great pile of this “money,” are in the current era considered “smart” & “important.” However, Humiliation through “Public Relations” has begun to turn the tide! One such “Money-Man” bought a wagon company, & recently designed his own wagon. The wagon is ugly, with square wheels, & cannot get wet. Members of his cult have spent their life savings acquiring these worthless wagons, but a tide of humiliation has spawned a crisis, causing many to lose faith. The “Money-Man” himself now spends much of his days dealing with the fallout, even saying that he had “dug his own grave” in releasing it. The cult is unlikely to survive, & will never now achieve domination. Thanks, “Public Relations!”

• For our final example, we turn again to A—, a land positively brimming with cults. Another “Money-Man” formed a cult around himself over the course of decades, using fake books, fake plays, & fake piles of “money,” to play on A—’s fascination with fake things. Eventually, he ascended to the throne of A—, which is just about the worst-case scenario for any cult. Improbably, he then lost the crown, but is currently attempting to regain power.
  
  This “Money-Man,” an abrasive-type, is agèd from a lifetime of malnourishment & wealth. His brain, rotting within his cragged skull, now struggles to put thoughts together. He is, however, loud & responsive. Opposing him, is a political creature who has lusted for power his entire life. The “Creature” also decays daily, unable to put thoughts together. He is, however, quiet & slow. This sounds like a doomsday scenario, but with “Public Relations,” anything is possible!

  • CONSIDER: This land of A— has an interesting ritual, known as “Debate.” Once, this ritual served a practical purpose, of letting kings exchange ideas in public, & improve those ideas. Now, the ritual merely provides each would-be king a chance to prove they are sane & likeable. The optimal stratagem would be to simply be louder than the “Money-Man,” shouting so loudly, like such a lunatic, that the “Money-Man” also begins screaming, & expelling a dementia-river of nonsense so angrily that he eventually says a slur. Even for the “Money-Man,” such a lack of control would be disastrously humiliating. Even if the slur were toward the Irish!

  • HOWEVER: The “Creature” cannot be loud, & is too slow to ratchet up volume & intensity at the correct pace. How, then, might he do Humiliation? Oh-ho! At “Debate,” each would-be king takes a turn. This gives “Creature” a chance to make slow, an advantage! The correct stratagem here is to insult him at every turn. Ridiculous, untrue insults ought to be hurled, patiently & quietly, reducing the “Money-Man” to a sobbing, gibbering mess. He will eventually demand apologies & yell about his feelings, & could likely be provoked into saying a slur. This would mean abandoning the main pretense of “Debate,” & would require saying stupid, childish things. But if it means a victory over a cult, is that not worth it?

Let us hope the “Creature” receives his complimentary copy of this book in time! The worst thing possible would be if he went to another “Debate” whispering, confused, & spending most of his time bickering about numbers & policy specifics. Cultists will not respond to recitations of facts! Humiliation in public is the only effective weapon (again, aside from those described in Appendix B: The Red Way of the Reaver).

I hope ye find this excerpt useful—have ye ever battled a cult using “Public Relations?” Please share, if ye would like, in the comments on the “web” version! I shall return to work on this manual, but in the meantime, I shall write ye again come Wednesday with news of this week’s broadcast. Thank ye for reading, thank ye to all who can & do share $5 monthly to support our works, & if ye know any journalists, please, spread to them the concept of Humiliation! It is so simple! So effective! Please, someone start to Humiliate these people!

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Shameless Humiliator