Cook with the Apicivs Amœni!

Flavorful greetings, mortals! For many of our readers across the crumbling Imperium Americum, a feast day looms large upon the week—the grand “THANKSGIVING,” they name it. ‘Tis difficult, to me, to reconcile the jaunty nature of the day with the bloody history it attempts to obscure—yet also, to feast with loved ones, & express gratitudes, ‘tis a worthy endeavour in a society of unrelenting cruelty.

So whether ye celebrate the “THANKSGIVING,” or find it an ugly day of mourning, I hope ye still find a chance to feast with loved ones in good cheer, whether on this Thursday or on some brighter day. & to assist ye in that effort, please enjoy excerpts from my cookery book! Published by a Dutch printing-house in 1597, & long now out of print, I believe the information still shall be of use:

APICIVS AMŒNI
sive MIRABILE COCTU
Being a collection of Receipts et Techniques derived et verified by the Magister Coquini of Færie, intended for Autumnal Dining

First, dear Reader, I congratulate ye on such fine Taste! With this Breviary in hand, ye shall be the “toast of the Towne” with a “kitchen fit for Gods!” I dedicate this to Queen Clíodhna, my Patronesse, who is not keeping me Prisoner in any Way.

APPETIZING ITEMS.

A hearty Feast beginneth always, in Proper Circles, with an array of Items. Small dishes to whet the Appetite, & to keep both unruly Children & unruly Uncles from becoming a Nuisance unto the Cook.

BOWL OF BERRIES: This is both simple to prepare, & most enjoyable. Simply place Berries into a Bowl, ensuring the Bowl is of sufficient width & depth to contain all of the Berries. Whether Goose-Berries, Straw-Berries, Blue- Rasp- or Black-Berries, a heaping Bowl of Nature’s most perfect Gifts ne’er has gone Un-eaten.

BOWL OF NUTS: For this dish, as above, simply array some edible Nuts into a Bowl. Whether the familiar Almaund, or something delicious from the “Newe World” like the Cashew or Pea-Nut, ev’ry sort of Guest may enjoy this. Ensure the Bowl is of sufficient width & depth to contain all of the Nuts. & ensure that anyone enjoying Cashews & Pea-Nuts is made well aware that the “Newe World” is only “Newe” to the violent Thieves & Brigands swarming out of Europe.

NOTE: Either of the above Dishes may be served also upon a Platter or in a Skull as well, though the Platter may be seen as Uncouth in certain Circles.

SALADE.

Omitted.

HEARTY FARE.

The main Light of any Autumnal Feast! Meates “ga leor,” as the Irishe say, & still say, despite the rotten Tudor Hordes swarming out of England to subjugate Eire, not unlike how they brutalize the folk farther across the Atlantic.

ROAST BEASTE: Take a good Flank or Hunk of fine Beaste; preferably, a Hart slain by the Cook himself. roast over Flame until Cookèd. Serve hot, upon grand “Trenchers” of Bredd, in the “Olde Fasioun.”

ROAST CHICOUN: Take a good Flank or Hunk of fine Chicoun; roast over Flame until Cookèd. Serve hot, upon grand “Trenchers” of Bredd, in the “Olde Fasioun.”

ROAST “TURKEY-HEN”: First, determine whether thy Butcher has acquired a proper “Turkey-Hen”—that is, a fowl from Africa first imported through the Ottomans—or the grand brown huehxōlō-tl. Then, ponder the ways in which the World hath become “smaller,” as marvels now travel about the Globe as fast as Hermes himself. Posit that, surely, the Second Coming must be round the corner, for how much more could the World possibliche change? Then, chuckle, shake thy little mortal 1597 Head, & take a good Flank or Hunk of the “Turkey-Hen.” Roast it over Flame until Cookèd. Serve hot, upon fine Platters, in the “Newe Fasioun.”

PYE: Not in the mood for a mere Roast? Wishing for a more Divine repast? Attempt a fine PYE. Inside its golden Coffin, ye may lay Any-Thing to rest. Chicoun, or Mouton, or e’en the gamey Flesh of a Scared King, ‘tis up to thee. To make the “Coffin” or Cruste, simply craft a Homunculus†. Then, command the Homunculus to make Cruste. Then, fill the Cruste with thy desires, & bake in a goodly Oven ‘til the Cruste be golden-brown.

†For instruction on the creation of Homunculi, please refer to my octavo treatise thereupon, or find me in distant Færie & earn an Apprenticeship.

NOTE UPON “SWEET” PYE: Some, against my sage Advisement, have begun to fill their Pye with Berries, Apples, & other Honeyed items. I suppose some may enjoy the “Thrill of Experimentation,” but surely this strange Phænomenon shall not last.

DARING FARE.

For reasons I cannot comprehend—though it may be due to this Newe-Fasioun Belief known as “Racism”—many folk of the “Olde World” believe Potatoes to be a Poison. Despite the fact that they feed Millions, & have for Centuries Un-told. & so, prepare the following Dish only for gentle folk who are willing to defy their Racism-addled Fellowes.

POTATOES BY MASHING: Boyl a brace of washed Potatoes, until their Flesh is so soft that a Fork will pierce it with ease. Then, removing them from the Water, add fine Butter, Mylke, Salt, & crushed Pepper-corns. Mash this up with thy Pestle, until they reach a pleasing texture. Finally, enjoy, & rejoice in the knowledge that thou art less a Foole than those who tremble at the very sight of a delicious Potatoe.

For additional fun, tell Guestes that the Potatoe will, one day soon, become the most important Crop in all of Ireland. They will not believe ye, ‘til decades hence, when they realize ye are Cassandra re-born.

I would provide other Foretellings to share as Amusements—about horse-less carriages, & Sand-wiches, & the notion of Germ Theory—but thy simple mortal 1597 Brayn cannot handle them.

Thank ye for reading, mortals! I hope my timeless instructions are of use—& I thank again all those who support our works here with coin!

I shall write ye Wednesday with news of this week’s BLACK FRIDAY especial episode! ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & howe’er ye feast, toast not to the wretched Conotocaurius…

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Wrong about Sweet Pye