Coming Friday: "A Brief Monologue"

FRIDAY, mortals, join us for a show with room for only A BRIEF MONOLOGUE! We packed this intercalary episode with SO MANY SURPRISE GUESTS, that we have NO time for our normal thoughtful, thorough monologue—will we successfully constrain our banter? FIND OUT WITH US, Friday at 8PT!

One news story we may scarcely find time to cover—the CONCLAVE! As ye may know, His Holiness Pope Franciscus passed away. & the conclave to elect his successor beginneth TODAY. To follow along with this most ancient & arcane event, I assembled a quick reference guide for ye! With all the info the average mortal may need on the symbols, terms, & processes. Find it here, below my official Anti-Pope portrait:

CONCLAVE: A LAYMAN’S GUIDE IN BRIEF
Compiled by Anti-Pope Amœnus the Disregarded

• “POPE” — the leader of the Catholic (‘universal”) Church, from a Greek term for “Father,” as a form of address for a bishop or priest, which comes from “pappas,” which ancient Greek babies called their daddies. So, in a way, “Pope” is “Daddy.” Few journalists will address this, for they are cowards.

• “CONCLAVE” — ultimately from the Latin conclavis, meaning a room that is or could be locked with (con-) a key (clavis). The Cardinals are locked in together until they elect a new Pope.

  • NOTA BENE: Protestants around the world have adopted this practice for themselves, & will regularly hold conclaves of teens with punch, activities, & their annoying version of worship music.

• “ELECT” — the process by which Cardinals directly choose who will lead them; a 2/3 majority is required, which avoids any ludicrous situations where someone might receive fewer than 50% of the votes & still take office. Each Cardinal has a single & equal vote in each round, & billionaires have no means by which to interfere, due to the conclave. In addition, each Cardinal receives enough time off from work to vote; they are paid during the process; & receive also adequate food & shelter.

  • NOTA BENE: Americans have adopted this practice for themselves, & will regularly hold pretend elections with billionaire interference, no time off, a hostile attitude toward providing food & shelter, & their annoying version of worship music, known as commercials.

• After each round of voting, the Cardinals burn their ballots, & the color of the emitted lets the public know the result. If ye see:

  • BLACK smoke, this means the Cardinals have NOT reached a 2/3 majority, & NON HABEMVS PAPAM (“We do not have a Pope”).

  • WHITE smoke, this means the Cardinals have INDEED reached a 2/3 majority, & HABEMVS PAPAM (“We have a Pope.”)

  • RED smoke, this means a CARDINAL has dropped his HAT in the fireplace, & HABEMVS CAPPAM (“We have a hat.”)

  • NO smoke, this means the fireplace Cardinal became LOST on his way there, & NON HABEMVS MAPPAM (“We do not have a map.”)

• Finally, if ye seek out media coverage of the Conclave & see Ralph Fiennes or Stanley Tucci, ye are not watching the Conclave. Ye are in fact watching Conclave, a fantasy film that asks, “What if a very moral person became Pope?” One that, perhaps, shall come true?

Thank ye for reading, mortals! & thank ye most humbly to the generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin.

Let us hope the Conclave elects the new Pope right before 8PT on Friday, because, what a scoop that would be for A BRIEF MONOLOGUE! See ye there—’til then: be safe, be well, & remember: I am still technically eligible for the Papacy. TERRIFYING THOUGHT.

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Underdog Papabile