Chapterhouse: Ostara

Ostarish greetings, mortals! Yea, fair Winter giveth way now to her sister Spring. After the KWISATZ OLIGARCH last week set their horrid CENTRAUKAR super-soldiers upon us, we like Winter fled—to a redoubt in Hell named CHAPTERHOUSE: OSTARA! Where we refresh, regroup, & host our show in peace. We shall provide a monologue, a book review, & we hope ye shall join us Friday at 8PT for CHAPTERHOUSE: OSTARA!

Below—as I know many American mortals currently struggle to adapt to their new status under monarchy, I drafted a few tips for surviving life in a royal realm! Please, read on:

SO, YE HAST NOW A KING
A guide for the recently-subjected, by Amœnus Franco

Greetings, crown-servant! If that title rankles ye, but yet ye cannot now deny it? This guide, ‘twas made for THEE. Whether a citizen of a failed democracy, a conquered peasant, or a simple time-lost traveler, adjusting to life under monarchy cometh ne’er easy. I hope my handy tips, honed over long centuries of floating in & out of monarchies, may be of aid:

• Firstly, know that thy king—e’ery king—be a Mad King. No sane mortal, regardless of how kind or wise they seem, seizes total control over a people. Only madmen wear golden hats & declare that all must heed them!

• Now, knowing thy King or Queen or Emperor or Satrap be a madman, the second tip: abandon all respect for the crown! Attempting to honor the monarch, to take their deranged role seriously, or—worst of all—to warp thy values to match the monarch’s? These all lead to RUIN. ‘Tis best to treat the very notion as a sick joke, & disparage the throne as much as possible.

• Do not disparage the throne, in public. The fragile ape-men who seize thrones, take themselves deadly seriously, & often enjoy violence. Publicly deriding their bizarre behavior, soft brains, & ugly souls, may lead to imprisonment or execution.

  • Note that this advice serves only those new to monarchy; eventually, ye will learn the contours of thy particular monarch’s ego & power, & find ways to correctly mock the royal fool safely.

  • Speaking of royal fools: this advice of course also applies not to jesters, bards, &c. Ye have a duty to disparage the throne, in public, as often as ye can manage. For tips specific to bards & jesters under monarchy, please see SUPPLEMENT B: SO, YE MUST SING TRUTH TO POWER.

• Learn which guards, viziers, &c., shall accept bribes. In any kingdom, corruption pumps the lifeblood; either ye take advantage, or ye be taken advantage of. Knowing which of the kingsmen accept bribes, shall help ye know whose attention to avoid. Ye ought not use this information to conduct any bribes, which is illegal, unless ye are rich.

• Connect with usurpers. All kingdoms, at some point, find themselves confronted with a usurper; these, of course, are madmen who wish to be monarchs, & believe they “deserve” the throne more than the current madman who sits upon it. They tend, therefore, to conduct insane civil wars, noble uprisings, & so forth. Ye must avoid these at all costs. Thus, knowing when a usurper is about to launch her mad crusade for power, lets ye know when to leave town for a while, for safety!

• Connect with upstart peasants. All kingdoms oppress the peasantry, though they could not exist without the peasantry. & eventually, all kingdoms find themselves confronted with a peasant uprising. Unlike usurpers, however, upstart peasants sometimes make a lot of sense. If ye wish to cease living under a monarchy, involving thyself with upstart peasants & helping guide the revolt, ‘tis often the best course of action.

  • The second-best course of action, is to locate an agèd wizard who may guide ye to a fabled sword which shall grant ye the throne. Then, simply find the sword, claim the crown, & abolish the monarchy. ‘Tis, frankly, much easier than mobilizing upstart peasants.
    

• Finally, remember: No king be immortal. No kingdom be eternal.

I hope ye find some wisdom in the above, crown-servants! We thank ye for reading, & thank ye doubly to the generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I shall write ye again Saturday morning after the show! I hope ye shall join us Friday at 8PT, in our new base CHAPTERHOUSE: OSTARA! ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & be disrespectful of every crown.

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Kingless