BLOOD WAR: After-Action Report

BLOOD WAR—for us, ‘tis over, though it shall endure ETERNALLY. We sang a BLOOD-DOWN, learned of our rather disparate experiences in Prince Orcus’ army (HAIL ORCUS), & also burst the Dread Lord Alex Jones (Devil, Captain Rank) into a pile of BLOOD. If ye missed out, catch the replay here!

Our Lord Commander Prince Orcus (HAIL ORCUS) demanded a write-up of our time in his foul army, in lieu of an exit interview. Below, find the statistics portion of our report, “BLOOD WAR BY THE NUMBERS.”

BLOOD WAR
By the Numbers

• CONSCRIPTS:

  • NECROMANCER, assigned to Regional Ops (Dwarfholds).

  • MAGE, erroneously assigned to Morale Ops (USO).

  • MISC. INSTAGOBLINS, assigned to Broadcast Ops.

• KILLS:

  • NECROMANCER: Approx. 17,432 (excluding revenants).

    • Baatezu, Glabrezu, Abishai, Order Dwarves, & Archdevil Belial.

  • MAGE: Approx. 1 (later resurrected, caged).

    • Dark Lord Alex Jones, slain by use of Bibbo’s Bloody Burst.

  • INSTAGOBLINS: 17 (camera accident).

• TREASURES ACCUMULATED:

  • NECROMANCER: Approx. 12,941,003 gold pieces’ worth of rods, crowns, chains, statues (stone), statues (silver, gem-encrusted), paintings, chairs, land (arable), land (minable), buildings, townships, & several Bori’s Burgers franchises.

  • INSTAGOBLINS: Approx. 17 silver pieces’ worth of broadcasting equipment, & one (1) lambskin hauberk.

  • MAGE: Owes approx. 104 gold pieces for band wages & stage repair.

• SONGS SANG:

  • NECROMANCER: Countless marching-songs, war-ballads, & drinking-ditties.

  • MAGE: “Seasons of Love,” never completed due to heckling/fire-breathing by crowd of rowdy demon-soldiers.

  • INSTAGOBLINS: Unaware of music.

• EMOTIONAL STATUS:

  • NECROMANCER: Suppressing dark thoughts.

  • MAGE: Rehearsing new song.

  • INSTAGOBLINS: No apparent emotional state.

• BENEFITS ACCUMULATED:

  • NECROMANCER: Allowed to keep 100gp of treasures.

  • INSTAGOBLINS: Allowed to keep 17sp of treasures.

  • MAGE: Provided with list of vicious, personal criticisms by Prince Orcus (HAIL ORCUS), valued at 10 platinum pieces.

RECOMMENDATION: Dishonorable Discharge en Masse

I am glad to have survived our time in the BLOOD WAR, & hope truly to never see such horrors again—mostly, I am glad to have transmuted our miseries into DELIGHT for all of THEE! We thank all who tuned in live last night, to all who read our missives, & an especial BLOOD WAR THANK YE to all who can & do supply $5 monthly to support the Wiz Effort!

I shall write ye Monday with fresh art & a tale—until then, be safe, be well, & BLOOD WAR.

BLOOD WAR,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, BLOOD WARRIOR (ret.)