Bleak Friday Saleséance

Bleak Friday approacheth—& with it, a SALESÉANCE! We shall provide tarot readings at the steep discount of FREE! But wait—we’ve more! Alongside our favorite Hexologist Cynthia Weatherwax, the delightful Aleks David Royt of the spectacular roleplay show STORYQUEST joins us for the first time! So, if ye survive the stampedes, we shall see ye Friday at 8PT for the BLEAK FRIDAY SALESÉANCE!

& below, find a few tips to aid ye through this so-called “Thanksgiving!”

THANKSGIVING SURVIVAL TIPS

For those unfamiliar with the American mortal custom of “Thanksgiving,” ‘tis summarized thus: In the early days of colonial devastation, after plagues had laid waste to much of the East Coast’s indigenous population, some surviving Englishmen threw a meagre party with their indigenous allies who had also survived. This became a semi-regular celebration, with fewer & fewer indigenous survivors around, as the colonialists set about their bloody conquest. Later, during the Civil War, Abraham Lincoln announced he wished to make it an official annual holiday; he was later slain, by a right-wing maniac who wished to preserve Full-On Slavery, being unhappy with the compromise of mere Prison Slavery (which America retains to this day). A typical Thanksgiving celebration involves feasting upon a mix of both real food & American corn-syruped food-style product, shared by a table of people who may or may not wish to dine with anyone else present.

Frankly, they ought to return to something more sane, like Saturnalia, if ye ask me—nevertheless, Thanksgiving persists. Please carry these tips with ye, close to the breast, & may they ease thy stuffering:

• Ensure a full 10-hour sleep the night before, that ye may retain full defensive awareness.

• Bring cheese; none find additional cheese offensive, e’en if they may not consume it. Anything more complex requires prior clearance from the host, & do ye really want to embark upon a full diplomatic mission simply to bring extra pie?

  • If at a “Friendsgiving,” of course, ye may bring whatever ye please. But if at a “Friendsgiving,” why read this? Ye need no survival tips! Ye steal Thanksgiving valor!!

• Locate refuges within the house: a disused restroom, the bedroom where coats are piled, &c. If there exists a backyard, WHAT LUCK! Bring a warm cloak or torch & make camp there until dinnertime.

• Wine.

• If confronted with a MAGA relation, firstly: I am sorry. Secondly: avoid yelling. If ye maintain a lower volume, & they begin to yell instead, ye win! For additional fun, try becoming quieter & quieter, causing the MAGAist to seem & feel extra insane.

• Have ye tried the red wine?

• If the conversation turns to thee, & ye wish to express nothing of thy life to these people, try asking a benign question of the MAGA relation about a movie star, or about a word they do not understand, like “tariff.” They will certainly draw all attention to themselves, & keep the heat off of thee.

• Champagne.

• If ye need all the above tips, consider this final one—simply skip it. Skip it! Stay home, eat a sandwich, avoid the whole mess. Visit the relations ye like best during thy culture’s appropriate Wintertime Festival, instead. Ye can do that. I grant thee permission.

I hope these tips help, mortals—though, truly, I hope ye need these tips not at all. May thy Thursdays pass without incident!

Thank ye to all who read our missives, & to the wonderfully generous mortals who can & do support our works with $5 monthly here in the Scriptorium! I shall write ye again Saturday morning, after our BLEAK FRIDAY SALESÉANCE!

In the meantime—be safe, be well, be mindful of the bloody-handed horrors in America’s past & present, & enjoy the mashed potatoes!

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Thanksgiving Scrooge