Birthday of the Demonweb Pits!

‘Tis that time of year again, mortals—THE BIRTHDAYTIDE! This year, I decided upon an exotic trip into THE UNDERDARK! At the precipice of the Demonweb Pits, we shall be joined by Cynthia, by our favorite goblin Slurs the Toilet, & other surprise guests YET TO BE REVEALED! Join us Friday 8PT on Twitch—blood sacrifices welcome in lieu of gifts!

If, like most mortals, ye find the Underdark & Demonweb Pits TERRIFYING, fear not! Centuries ago, I published a series of travelogues & guides for mortal tourists. I have reprinted here for ye some essential tips for any surface-dwellers taking a holiday down to the cold, blackened depths, where the Sun has no purchase & the Moon no beauty! Lucky thee:

APPENDIX II: QUICK-REFERENCE

In a hurry? Found thyself on an unexpected trip to the twisting caves & dagger-lined streets of that charming World Beneath? Then, dear traveler, peruse these brief tips! They lack the explorations of culture, examinations of the concept of “the other,” & ale-tasting advice that ye can find in the main sections of the guide, but expediency sometimes makes a fool of refinement, even here in this most advanced year of 1419:

• Never step on a spider, lest ye be stepped upon in turn. This is an offense to Lloth (or “Lolth,” as the Under-Teens have begun to spell it), & ye do NOT wish to offend Lloth!

• Never step on a Drow’s boots. Note that courtesy may demand ye allow a Drow to step their boots on thee; this is considered polite in many circles.

• Order mushrooms on food only if ye do not mind eating mushrooms that were once people. If in a Myconid’s lair, order mushrooms on food only if ye do not mind being executed.

• Time is kept, in Drow cities, by heating a massive pillar or stalagmite at “dawn.” As it cools, & its glow recedes, thus it turns to “night.” Someday, in the far future, I predict small mechanical devices, like miniature clocks, shall permit the telling of time without the aid of the ever-burning Sun, but for now, the pillar thing is pretty neat.

• The Drow are keen slave-takers; much as the Romans were, & the North-Men, before the practice fell out of favor. Well, except amongst some in the East. And in Italy. Those Italians simply cannot stop taking slaves. We must hope that the practice does not again become popular all over Europe, & then become the dominant mode of economy for centuries. That would be bad!

• The Drow also have a keen love of pasta, & speak loudly but also with their hands. In many ways, the Drow are the Italians of the Underdark.

• The Deep Gnomes are the Irish. The Duergar are also the Irish. Come to think of it, there are many Irish deep down below the stones.

• Finally, if a Priestess of Lloth asks for a dance, ye must deny her once only. If ye deny twice, ye shall be stepped upon. Thrice, ye shall be sacrificed to Lloth. & if ye simply agree right away, ye shall be scorned as a weenie, fore’er in shame.

I hope these tips aid ye, mortals! Perhaps, if there is demand, I could convince the publisher’s descendants to bring the volumes back into print? But, I am sure no such advice shall be needed on Friday! What could possibly go awry during a birthday party in the Underdark? Nothing, of course!

Thank ye for reading, thank ye for not getting sacrificed to Lloth (yet), & thank ye to all who can & do sacrifice $5 monthly on the holy altar of supporting the arcane arts! I look forward to sharing birthday delights with ye this week! Until then, be safe, be well, & beware the Under-Italians!

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Magister of the Birthdaytide