Abyssalympics: Certified Results

Fear Not, Snoopy is OK

Author

Amoenus Franco
August 10, 2024

HUZZAH, the most hallowed night in the wide, wide, Abyss of Sports! Thank ye for enjoying our legal broadcast of the Abyssalympics last night, mortals! If ye were captured by a sorcerer, or otherwise indisposed, catch the replay right here! I am gratified to know so many found the show delightful; we were buoyed by thy enthusiasm during the experimental Hexological Monologue Competition, & doubly so by thy cheers during our attempts at the Hoedownathon & Hoe-Dash! Truly, we have the most excellent coven on ANY PLANE.

Below, please find the full & certified results from last night’s games! & please know, despite his embarrassing loss in the River Jump, & despite the reports of widespread violence, that Snoopy & the Gang in particular are FINE.

A night, in moods

One of many bright moments from the Opening Parade

ABYSSALYMPICS CERTIFIED RESULTS, HELD IN 2024 ON THY PATHETIC MORTAL CALENDAR

100-Meter Slash
GOLD: Demons (Demons)
BONE: Peregrine “Pippin” Took (Shire Squad)
BLOOD: Ghenna, Keeper of the Black Flame (Abyssal Dwarfs)

Handball
GOLD: Snoopy & the Gang
BONE: Clone Troopers
BLOOD: Sam Gamgee (solo entrant, carrying load)

Human Sacrifice (Athletic)
GOLD: Gavin Newsom (California)
BONE: Orcus Tenebrous (Prince of Undeath)
BLOOD: Noah Lyles (Self-Sacrifice)

Human Sacrifice (Artistic)
GOLD: Simone Biles (Shire Squad)
BONE: Boromir, Captain of Gondor (Shire Squad)
BLOOD: Meriadoc “Merry” Brandybuck (Shire Squad)

River Jump
GOLD: Frodo Baggins (Shire Squad)
BONE: Commander Cody (Clone Troopers)
BLOOD: Snoopy (Snoopy & the Gang)

Fish-Smashing
GOLD: Gollum

REMAINDER OF EVENTS CANCELLED AFTER OUTBREAK OF BLOOD WAR 
THE ABYSSALYMPICS ORGANIZING COMMITTEE WISHES MISERY & PAIN UPON ALL PITEOUS BEINGS AFFECTED

EXCEPT SNOOPY & THE GANG WHO WERE ESCORTED HOME BY DRIDERS & TANAR’RI

I hope these scores aid ye in resolution of bets, wagers, & sports-anxiety. I shall write ye again come MONDAY with the PENULTIMATE CHAPTER of the latest Summersbane Saga, GHOST OF VENICE!

Thank ye to all who joined us live last night, to all who read & enjoy these missives, & as ever we deeply thank all those who can & do contribute $5 monthly in support of our coven!

Look out for that fresh tale on Monday—until then, be safe, be well, & be rebuking any politician who sacrifices the unhoused in the name of something so silly as SPORT.

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Writer, Wizard, Gold Medalist (Hoedownathon, Relay)

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