Abyssal Readings & Rituals on Friday!

Our sojourn in the Demonweb continues this Friday with Abyssal Readings & Rituals! All is chaos at the moment—could ye not use some TAROT CLARITY? We shall provide free readings! Plus, we shall bring ye an exclusive séance with SOUL BIDEN! Bring queries for the cards & demands for the withered soul FRIDAY!

In the meantime—our Shadow-Legion of spies recently let us know that our Scriptorium has become essential reading in the vast & reeking American halls of power. With that in mind, this morning we present some suggested Vice Presidential selections for Kamala Harris, now that she has successfully seized the Donkey of Destiny:

• Tim Walz, Governor of Minnesota: Veteran, older but not Biden old, & not an absolute freak. Has the lack of ambition, & vague acceptability, that make for a perfect Vice President.

• Any of the other Caucasocrat Governors or Senators: They could all be safe, predictable choices. Will achieve nothing, but also harm nothing.

• Booker T: Former wrestler, but has aged well. Perfect foil to the GOP’s new champion, Hulk Hogan.

• Arnold Schwarzenegger: An excellent selection to peel off the aging nostalgia vote, & also win over the remaining 2 conservative voters with principles. Unconstitutional, but this matters little & less in the current atmosphere.

• Vacuum cleaner: The spite option. Show the people how little they mean to ye! Would likely still be a winning ticket, in this miserable year 2024.

• Kaamala Harris: A clone, grown in one of Emperor Palpatine’s Spaarti cloning cylinders. Impossible to tell apart from the real deal, aside from the additional vowel in her name. As a bonus, there is a chance she may be Force-sensitive, which would give her a serious advantage when presiding over the Senate.

• Carrot Top: An ideal sponge for bad press. And, should the CIA need innovative assassination tools—for we have no doubt that Kamala would make brutal use of the military-industrial complex—he can provide ones with fun flair!

• Saruman the White: No explanation required. Treachery likely, but will take decades to come to fruition, & he thus poses little threat during a brief mortal Presidential term. His Uruk-Hai could be useful for voter registration campaigns, or “official acts.”

• Doug the Husband: Would give Doug many little tasks to keep him busy. Likely to be a policy disaster.

• A Pirate: Imagine how fun! Could be useful for delivering bad, unpopular news. “Arrr, matey, we’re increasin’ police fundin’ despite national protests & clear data. Ahoy!”

We hope Vice President Harris takes our suggestions under advisement, & also that she has received our applications for the long-dormant post of Oval Vizier, delivered via barghest this morning. Bones crossed!

Thank ye for reading—& if ye have not yet read Part I of the latest Summersbane Saga, from Monday, go enjoy it now! & thank ye again to all who can & do supply $5 monthly to help our coven flourish! I hope ye shall join us, for tarot clarity in this chaotic time, at Friday’s ABYSSAL READINGS & RITUALS!

Until then—be safe, be well, & be extra-wary of politicians bearing grifts.

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Writer, Wizard, Abyssal Tarot-Shuffler