6th Day of Christmas: Four Wise Men

Merry Christmas, mortals! AGAIN, ET STILL. On this 6th Day of Christmas, I thought to regale ye with tales ye shall find not in any history book nor sermon, ne’er immortalized in claymation. Forbidden lore of my time as…the FOURTH WISE MAN!

Soon after that first Christmas, I found myself written out of the new narrative, & the other Wise Men ne’er spake to me again. But for a time, it seemed we might take the world by storm…

After witnessing Cæsar’s brutal wars in Gaul & Britain—his decimation of the Druids—I spent time wandering the far corners of his foul empire. I found myself in Iudæa, seeking wisdom & wine. I found little enough of either, despite working as vizier to King Herod, & so I wandered farther, over the border into Parthian Persia. There I found magi—learnèd occult masters, wielders of the mysteries of Zoroaster, & lushes beyond compare.

I fell in with an open-minded trio, willing to teach this stranger with a bizarre Gallic accent & weird tales from beyond the stars. Officially, Romanes were unwelcome in Parthia, & my command of Latin marked me “Roman” in their eyes. Ironic! Painfully so. But Melchior, Gizpar, & 𒂗𒈗𒋀 (baʿal-śarra-unṣur, or maybe ye call him “Balthazar"), we grew in true friendship, so much so that the locals took to calling us “The Four Wise Men.” After a disastrous séance, which the local satrap took overly-personally, we were branded Roman spies & cast out of Persia entire.

As we spent our last drachm at a wine-hut in Tyre, wondering what on Earth to do, we overheard a rumor: a mystical baby, born on the run, down in Iudæa. We consulted the flames, in the Zoroastrian way, & received visions of this baby performing two miracles: First, leading a small revolt against money-changers in a temple. The second, kick-starting a wedding by transmuting water into wine. These visions seemed worthy of our attentions, so we gambled up some gifts & headed toward the baby.

The others picked small gifts that traveled well, but I stubbornly insisted on bringing an entire barrel of fine wine; I figured, well, if the baby is meant to work wine-miracles later, someone has to show him what wine is, ne? This was the first sign of trouble in our friendship, as they grew sick of stopping every few miles as I worked my camel back into shape.

We checked in with King Herod, my former boss. He owed me, & I figured we could wheedle some coin out of him, plus a warm bath & bed. Huge mistake, in retrospect. After I explained our journey, the man absolutely flipped out. He ordered his soldiers to kill off every baby they could find; I tried to explain that this was, to put it mildly, “psycho,” but he refused to listen, & ordered us all executed as well! He also confiscated my gift wine, that rotten ignavus.

That was a valuable lesson. That the last time I e’er trusted a King.

The other magi had begun to lose patience with me, after I nearly got them beheaded, which was hurtful—but fair. Eventually we tracked our quarry to the little town of Bethleem, & that is when things really began to fall apart. We dropped off our gifts to the baby; 𒂗𒈗𒋀 agreed to say his myrrh was actually from both of us, which was a bit awkward. The mood in town was tense, to say the least, & I heard tell of anti-Roman radicals. My colleagues wished to lie low, & find a way to return to Parthia; I argued that we ought to stay, & use our powers to help strike a blow against vile Rome. After I showed the locals some innovative pigments, & helped craft some powerful graffiti, the Wise Men finally fractured.

They wanted back into Parthia so badly, that they had sent a messenger-dæva back to the satrap, offering information about the baby in exchange for permission to return. I exploded when they revealed this to me; they would betray a baby? All to return to one small country, when the whole world awaited? I spat on them, cursed them, said words I could ne’er retract. They responded in kind, & we parted on poor terms.

They may have written me out of history, but I remain, while their wisdom turned to dust millennia ago.

Still, I do miss them.

Well, mainly, I miss 𒂗𒈗𒋀.

I hope ye enjoyed this lore, mortals! The next time someone bores ye with the false tales of “Three Wise Men,” now ye may correct the record.

Thank ye all for reading this edition of the Scriptorium, thank ye to all who share them with friends, & we thank especial the generous mortals who can & do spare the coin to support our works here!

We started this Scriptorium nearly one year ago, & I look forward to continuing on with it into 2025! I shall write ye on Wednesday from my Calendarium, with NEW YEAR’S PREDICTIONS! Plus, on New Year’s Eve, ye can watch me with the talented duo from RadioFreeMultiverse, ringing in the year from 8PT - Midnight! Hope to see ye there!

‘Til then—be safe, be well, & never trust a KING.

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Wise Man (Emeritus)